My walk with God, Day 1

So I start today this walk with God.
Here are the instructions for day 1

Read the Living Christ
Ponder your personal testimony of our Savior. During the next40 days, how would you like your testimony to grow.

This link will take you to the Living Christ so you can read it.

http://lds.org/library/display/0,4945,90-1-10-1,00.html



We had the Missionaries over for dinner tonight, they are such nice guys. I love that they are a good example to my boys. They seem to like this pair and I do too both have been out for a while and are personable and nice.
We did a little reminiscing with them about family things and it was a nice night. Guess I better go read the link so I can get started. Looks like I'm gonna need to do a bit of thinking on this one. When I first read it I thought hmm pretty easy answer but as i think about it Its not gonna be that easy after all. Well here's to the new year and an attitude change. I am looking forward to my walk with God.

Reflections

Looking back on 2010.
January brought a bit of work for Kevin, he was doing a few things for Porters at this time, on an hourly basis, a hotel remodel. Money was good and he SO loved working for them. Porter Brothers Construction of Mesa Az is truly a wonderful company. The owners try to treat their employees like family. February rolled around and Kevins Job there was done. The kids had a fun party life was good, hard at times but good. Kevin came home. We were all so excited to see him! He seemed a little offish but healthy at least the Dr said she wished all her 47 year old patients were in as good a shape as he was. A friend called Kevin left again to AZ, a roof and some things on the farm to do. We were happy, he was going to be able to make our mortgage and bills for another month. School was going well for me I really enjoyed my classes especially my clay class and my anthropology class. Mariah was "the bell of school" well at least her little corner of it. Things seemed to be going along well for her senior year. Forest was integrating, being a freshman is pretty hard to begin with but when your sister is "figgy" theres a little stress there. Aurora was enjoying 4th grad and Dawson was doing very well in first.

I remember when huge eventful things happen, not the day persay but the place I was and what I was doing. Like when the twin towers were hit, I was watching Katie Couric, nursing my sweet little Aurora in the trailer we were living in at the time. When I got the news about my husband I was sitting with some of my class mates discussing our paper, I got the feeling I should call home. I borrowed my friends phone and Mariah told me I needed to call Susan, something was wrong with Dad and Susan was really worried. I did. She explained what was going on, it sounded like he was having a stroke. I told her to just take him to the ER asap. Its so scary when the one you love is having problems and you are 1400 miles away. Susan took off to pick up Kevin and take him to the Hospital. She ran into Kevins brother Ken, told him what was going on, Ken called Kevins friend and Dr. who told him GO to the ER he is having a stroke... Well I wish to God it had been that benign.

I left school and as I was driving home I got the feeling that It was really bad, Kevin was not going to make it. I brushed that off thinking it was just my over active imagination going into overdrive because he wasn't close and I was afraid for him.
It was that bad. Ken called when I got home, I guess he was pretty worried about it, how I would take the news. I dont think I did too bad I'm sure HE might think differently but I clicked into auto pilot, got to get to Kevin, worry about kids later, Mariah can handle things for a couple days... I called Susan and asked her if she would PLEASE help me get down to AZ. She came through got me a ticket the next day and our families lives changed forever. The Ides of March, Bad news day.
I'm not going to go into all the gory details, It hurts too bad, but the long and short of it is, Kevin had stage 4 Melanoma Cancer, it had metastasized and was in his lungs and his brain, 15 at last count. We did everything we could to fight the bastard, but it won. Kevin had blessings telling him it want his time right then, that he would be healed if he believed things like that. Well obviously that didn't happen.
Kevin had a wish to show his parents how much he respected them and honored them, there is quite a strain there and he felt it was important. So we stayed with them for a while in Utah, in May. Mariah was able to come to Utah, school let her off. The little ones had been uprooted and brought to AZ so their uncle and mostly aunt could help me with them since I was only zeroed in on Kevin and how to help him. It was a mothers day I will NEVER forget, It was the day we told the children Daddy was probably going to die. That was truly one of the most horrible and disgusting things we had to do. Hard, horrible but the love, I can not explain the LOVE we felt for each other as we sat on the bed discussing that horrible beast cancer. Ive got to tell you how helpless I felt, I just was not prepared for this type of battle, Kevin and I had been through so much, loss of children, Family members, personal couples issues, Marriage problems and had worked hard to make it though, we love each other so much, we complete the other, the best way for me to describe it is to liken it to a strand of DNA, I was one half he was the other, we were one. Watching that half of me be in pain and loose the things he felt was so important to him, the process of Death and dying I was too young and very scared. I had to put my fear behind me and be strong for Kevin, he was afraid, when the Dr told me he had 3 months or less to live, he was not in the room he did not want to know. Which is good for him he could not have dealt with it very well. I carried that knowledge with me, quietly and I hope stoically, for him. I believe he knew, but he had recently been able to NOT do and think about things that he didnt want to deal with, I think this is part of the tumors. They explain so many things that were off with him the past year, prior to his diagnosis.
I have joked many times that I get 2 husbands the fuzzy bearded one in winter and the clean shaven hansom guy. I can now say with a surety, I have, in a odd way, been able to actually spend a lifetime with my adorable husband as a young strong wonderful man through his many changing faucets I always wanted to grow old together, He aged so, that last 16 weeks of his life. As I look at the photos of him he had wasted away to a 90 year old man. We had always made plans to go on a mission, kidnap the grand kids and take them to Disneyland Travel and win the Archery tournaments he so loved. I feel cheated but so full. He Loved me more in our 23 years of marriage than many people ever feel in a lifetime. Things were not perfect but they were right. I love him, I always will.
As I share a family tradition of banging on pans outside screaming in the new year with my children this year, I will miss him, half of ME is missing. I have to rebuild and put that mess together. It will be a difficult time for me but I think I am up to it. I will need help from him, on the other side, from God, from my friends. Daddy and Mom must be enjoying having him with them, HE did love my parents. I love you Fig, my heart, my soul and my everything. I will carry on and do what I know must be done, I just hope to feel of you now and then, I will join you one day in the far future after God has done with me what needs doing. Im not fighting that anymore, I will go and do.
Here is to a new and amazing year, to experiences and lessons that will be learned. I will see you again. Keep the light on and the hugs coming I need them.

Gotta love the Government

Today got off on a great foot. The girls got up no problems, we went to the DDS, and guess what NO cavities! Girls really DO evolve faster, JK but with my frustration with my boys right now it seems the right thing to say. While the girls were getting cleaned I went and did some Mailing and a couple little errands.
We got home, the bread I had put it when I left and told one of the boys to take out was VERY done because it was STILL in the oven. YEAH!! well the birds will love it. I threw it as high up into the pines as I could and... BINGO I actually made it stick in the boughs.. THATS a first!!!
When we got back to lakeside, its about 15 miles from Kalispell we stopped and got the mail, we dont have mail service at my house too steep and rural. There were 2 envelopes from the IRS. I was scared but opened them and this is what they said:

"Dear Kevin R. Newton: DECD
We need your assistance in updating our records; Please fill in the address information requested below. IN order to make changes to your address your signature is required. Return your response within 10 days from the date of this letter. Please use the enclosed envelope for your convenience. Thank you for your cooperation. then a place to do as they asked.

I was laughing so hard. THEY know he has died, its obvious by the way it is addressed but what I think is really funny is they want his signature.. Mariah and I wondered if we are supposed to give them his burial plot address? What is so rich about all this is they sent TWO letters, exactly the same! In separate envelopes. WHY I must ponder this question? AH our government at work aren't we SO proud! What ever happened to that reduction of paperwork act thing anyway?

I put in a couple more loaves of bread and am thawing rolls to bake. I also got the OK from Utahs 3rd District court that I can do the things my dad wanted done, Yeah that means I get to use HIS money now instead of mine.. Whew its really a relief.

I am getting really tired of dealing with DEAD stuff, Kevin has some things that I need to take care of but am having a difficult time getting the information because I wasn't on the account and since hes dead its a pain in the butt to get the bank to give me what I need. AZ is a community property state but the bank doesn't seem to get that. Its aggravating.
Then with my dad and the bank, taking in a copy of the will and a death certificate doesn't work anymore there has to be a trust set up geesh dieing is getting so complicated! One nice thing, I did get a note from McDougal Funeral home, the people who handled my dads things, I guess it is a policy that they donate a tree to be planted somewhere in America in the deceased's name. That was nice Daddy would have liked that I think.
I feel like I start to heal then some jerk comes along and scratches the scab off and makes it bleed all over again I getting tired of it. I think its gonna be a long time before all the details for them both are taken care of its just so grrrrr to deal with all the time.
Ive dealt with Death since I can remember, with my parents being older, Dad was 50 when they got me, people they know have been dieing, its part of life and something we all live through but it seems easier when you don't KNOW the person who died so well. Cousins and parents friends were actually fun when I was a kid, I got to drive to LOA then we would have a nice luncheon and I got to meet all these cool old people who though I was amazing and "such a pretty little thing" then dad would get tongue tied and introduce me as his wife, I would laugh and Graciously shake their hands and say, Well NO really Im his Daughter. I always felt so grown up at funerals. When Mom died it was a strange experience, DAD well he couldn't deal with it very well, He didn't want a funeral for her but did decide HE wanted to say good by and have a quick 5 minute viewing. Peri and I asked to say goodbye too and he was ok with that but it was a very short viewing maybe 20 minutes and the Graveside service was just a dedicatory prayer. It was the shortest funeral service I have ever been to in my life, Dad left right after the AMEN.. HE so loves my mom he just couldn't be there. His service was a LITTLE longer Peri, my sister, spoke, I spoke and then a prayer. He was not a man who liked much fuss made but since funerals are not for the dead but for the living Peri, Mike, Dads son from his first marriage, and myself decided to do what we did.
I get going about this and just go on and on and on sometimes I feel like people think Im such a whiner but Talking about it helps with the healing, at least for me. I found out today that a friend of mine in AZ lost her Brother-in-law, Another lost her Cousin, I seem to hear of so many people who are loosing loved ones, Today at the bank two of the tellers were talking about their fathers who had passed away just days ago. I don't remember hearing about so many deaths prior to my husband and dad dieing. Maybe I have just become hyper sensitive about it, so it affects me more than it did.
The worst part of this process for me is the well meaning platitudes of, "hes in a better place" "you will see him again", "God must have needed him", "You will find someone when you are ready".. Blah Blah Blah, I know people mean well but; What the hell was wrong with him being here? I know I will see him again but I don't want to wait, I want to see him NOW! God has done just fine without him this long did he REALLY HAVE to take him, I mean He is omnipotent? and lastly but by no means the last, I don't EVER want to remarry, In fact the thought of it makes me nauseous. Now I'm not dissing these sweet people they just say what we are programmed to say, IVE said stuff like that. I don't anymore and the verbiage is so, well, annoying, he passed away, I have started and so have my children, saying pretty baldly and it shocks people but he DIED he didn't pass anywhere I think our culture, violent as it is, is afraid to actually say someone DIED. They try to sugar coat it, it doesn't make it any easier. He is dead. I know I will see him again but the fact still remains he is DEAD. My daughter has expressed that she is angry at her dad and God, one of her freinds keeps telling her "you cant be mad at God or your dad it doenst make sense" SO WHAT! She CAN be mad its actually a healthy thing its part of this LOVELY grieving process. Will she get over it, of course, Is it that kind of anger you flash, yup and it comes and goes and IT IS OKAY! But unfortunately unless you have experienced such a harsh loss in your life you cant understand it. God can handle his children being upset and angry with him in fact I think he actually expects some of that, we would not be human if we didnt have some feelings like that about loosing the ones we love, Im angry that our plans of stealing ourgrandkids and taking them to Disneyland wont happen now, NO growing old together and doing the mission and traveling we had planned on. Angry I dont have more time with him HERE. Afraid because he is gone and Im ALONE my parents are gone, my sister lives in Oregon and has an amazing life there she has worked HARD to carve out what she has and Im proud of her. My brother, well I dont hardly know him hes 26 years older than me and his oldest is just a year my junior. Its me and the kids. Yes Kevins brother and his family love us, no doubt but they live in AZ and have again worked hard for what they have and are content there. Kevin dieing has been one of my biggest fears come true, Im alone and have 4 children to raise. Just me no one else to help. I miss that most of all, HIM just his presence, It calmed me, even when I was madder than a hornet at him it was a comfort to know he would always be there and hes not because he is dead. Well those leaky things are working overtime today. I think I will send one of the letters back to the IRS with Kevins Physical address it will make me feel better I think. I mean what a STUPID waste of GOVERNMENTAL time. Where is he now? DUH!

Seriously???

Woke up in a panic today! The boys had a DDS appointment at 9:00 this morning, NOT it was at 2:00 in the afternoon, the Girls have one tomorrow at 9:00.

Well it was a good panic wake up, everyone was ready to go by 8:40 only 10 minutes and they were dressed, coated and booted. The truck wouldn't start it had not been plugged in, its a diesel and doesn't like the cold too much. I was so frusterpated,
I looked at my phone to call and let the DDS we would be late when I saw WHEW! NO need to Panic I had plenty of time to get them ready, hours in fact! To say the least they were NOT very happy with me but hey, I felt great I wasn't late! I plugged in the truck, went back in after un-digging it from the foot or so of snow that fell overnight, scraped the windows and shoveled the front deck.
We got a few things done, the kids RE cleaned their room a little, I got some things taken care of that I needed to do then we got the garbage all loaded in the back of the truck, the stuff for good will loaded up and left the house. We went to the dump, we have a "transfer station" we don't have garbage service where I live and going to the dump is free so that's what we do here. Stopped at the Relief Society Presidents house to pick up a Hymnal for a friend to copy a song out of, her dad died and she is singing at his funeral, she used to be LDS but isn't now though the song is one she wanted and knew was in the hymnal. Then we went off to Kalispell, Stopped and picked up my oldest Daughter, dropped off the goodwill stuff, stopped at the College, cause I'm an idiot and didn't think, DUH they aren't here silly till Jan 3! (This kind of brain fart is what is so annoying but apparently typical for people who are under stress) Went and let the Kids spend their Christmas money and FINALLY went to the Dentist.

I just love dentists they are always full of wonderful news. Forest has 4 cavities and needs to have ALL 4 of his Wisdom teeth pulled, like NOW. Dawson, well he has 5 cavities. It doesn't seem to matter that I tell them to brush their teeth, geesh do I have to BRUSH THEM for them too? Forest gets to have all 4 fixed at once, Dawson will take 2 appointments then the pies-ta resistance, Forest goes to the oral surgeon and gets all 4 Wisdom teeth pulled. Its kind a funny in a mean and evil sort of way I guess but I have evolved past that whole extra neanderthal teeth thing, so has Mariah, my oldest. Will see if Dawson gets them, so far Aurora has not got them either. Does that mean that males don't evolve as fast as females? Interesting...

On the way home we stopped for gas and fuel. Forest makes money clearing driveways with a snow blower but I guess he wasn't too into it today cause when I got home from my massage, Don't think its a lovely relaxing thing either, she does a therapeutic massage, because I have whiplash and it hurts like crazy at the time but I do feel wonderful after she has pummeled me she is an amazing therapist. The driveway, which is pretty big was still full of snow. Guess I will do it tomorrow.

I did get my pills today, they are to help metabolize sugar better, I am going back on my sugar free diet but want to have a little boost metabolizing that evil but yummy tasting stuff.

Had a couple of hard minutes when my friend told me her dad had died, Empathy is a strong emotion. God has had me go through the experiences in my life for a reason, I'm pretty sure I know why, and no I'm not telling just yet, but in a strange way they are teaching me things that, because I'm so stubbornly hard headed, I have to live through. I cant say I especially grateful for them but I do understand they are happening for a reason. I have to keep this in mind when I get irritated or upset.
Being able to understand and empathize with people is a good thing to be able to do. I'm not a big one on crying, well I wasn't, but lately it has been something that I am able to do quite easily. I don't feel bad about it or even embarrassed like I have in the past. I'm not sure if its because I have grown up or because I feel like its ok to do. Tears are the souls way of helping us grow, it feeds us. That might sound strange but when I cry, and really I don't do it all that often, I do feel not only better but stronger and usually while I'm crying I feel a love so strong that I just cant keep it contained and it is leaking out through my eyes as the tears. I was given a blessing the night Kevin died, that God would wrap his love around me like a warm blanket and keep me safe and watch over me. That is so minimal to what I feel, it is not explainable but its just so much.
I start my 40 day walk soon and am looking forward to it. I hope you will take the walk with me, I am going to post what I will be doing the night prior to doing the activity so YOU can do it to if you choose. I look forward to your comments. I have hopes that it will help ground me again and give me insight to what else He has planned for me and my little family.
(Unsure who took the photo of "Christ" but will give them credit If someone will tell me who it is.)

You eat 135lbs of it a year DID YOU know that?

Today was a busy day, we CLEANED, that almighty, nasty, awful, household chore that NEVER ends. We got it done well most of it anyway and I did get out of my Jammie's today. I try to keep my mind busy so I don't think alot, thinking always seems to lead to Kevin and that leads to tears or some emotion that makes my eyes leak. It is inevitable however that something will lead to remembering....

Preface here, links are cut and paste

I got on Face book a while ago and saw a post from a friend I have a lot of respect for, who has battled brain cancer and at this time is doing OK. She was lamenting about going off sugar cold turkey and how hard that is. I can sympathize with that, I too am a Sugar addict, I LOVE toffee, Adore milk, and Mashed potatoes are, well, just amazing.
When my husband was diagnosed with cancer they told him to eat what ever he wanted sugary fattening foods were ok. He was ecstatic about that. I later have found that, that advice probably helped to kill him faster. At least from what I can tell. See Cancer loves an acidic environment and Sugar helps the body be acidic. One study called it the Warburg Effect which states that
"When patients were put on low-carb diets in 2007, their cancers reversed spontaneously.
In Würzburg, Germany, researchers concluded that cancer cells have a different metabolism, the so called Warburg hypothesis, or Warburg Effect, first described in 1924 by Otto Warburg. He concluded that "the prime cause of cancer is the replacement of the respiration of oxygen in normal body cells by a fermentation of sugar."

http://drbass.com/cancer.html They go on further to state

"To the two researchers in Würzburg, the theoretical debate about what is now known as the Warburg effect — whether it is the primary cause of cancer or a mere metabolic side effect — is irrelevant. What they believe is that it can be therapeutically exploited. The theory is simple: If most aggressive cancers rely on the fermentation of sugar for growing and dividing, then take away the sugar and they should stop spreading. Meanwhile, normal body and brain cells should be able to handle the sugar starvation; they can switch to generating energy from fatty molecules called ketone bodies — the body's main source of energy on a fat-rich diet — an ability that some or most fast-growing and invasive cancers seem to lack."

Now IM not a scientist but it makes sense to me. There are so many homeopathic options. I know of people who are living with cancer, they are supposed to be dead, but they changed their diet drastically and though the cancer is there its not killing them and really its not usually the cancer that kills people its the complications of the medications on the body that cause death.

The Ojibwa have had what they consider a "cure" I use that loosely here because it has not SCIENTIFIC basis but many have tried ESSIAC tea and had amazing results. There are other somewhat non traditional medicine way as well. A simple device called a Zapper can help general health as well as destroying cells that are cancerous. Here are some links to them, Im not getting paid for them It is just stuff I believe works.
http://www.essiacinfo.org/ and
http://www.drclark.net
Here is a great link on what sugar does to the body. It is astounding and disgusting not to mention very frightening. http://www.healingdaily.com/detoxification-diet/sugar.htm
Like I said IM NOT a scientist but if something makes sense I dont mind trying it.

Now NOT ONLY does sugar contribute to cancer " aggravate asthma, move mood swings, provoke personality changes, muster mental illness, nourish nervous disorders, deliver diabetes, hurry heart disease, grow gallstones, hasten hypertension, and add arthritis. ", and most recently contributes to Alzheimers Go to this link http://olsonnd.com/the-alzheimers-and-sugar-connection/ and scroll down to where it says new Alzheimers discoveries and then the part about Alzheimers sugar connection.

With the American public consuming 135 LBS of sugar a year is it any wonder after reading the links we are in trouble."Because sugar is devoid of minerals, vitamins, fiber, and has such a deteriorating effect on the endocrine system, major researchers and major health organizations (American Dietetic Association and American Diabetic Association) agree that sugar consumption in America is one of the 3 major causes of degenerative disease." ( http://www.healingdaily.com/detoxification-diet/sugar.htm ) Why is it allowed in our diet so prolifically, Smoking kills, alcohol kills SO does SUGAR.

I slipped up big time for Christmas lots of goodies and I can feel the issues it has caused. I am going to go back to my no sugar diet I have 4 kids that need me around and SUGAR is not going to win.

MugWump

Well today was a rather boring day. Got up cause the dogs insisted on going potty. Dumb dogs.

Cleaned up around the house a little, just didnt feel like doing much today. I didnt even get out of my pajamas. The kids did a few chores, the littlest one went to play at a friends house for a while. My oldest went on a date to see "true grit" and my oldest son woke up around 5pm. He was mad but Geesh I had tried to wake him up all day. I quit around 2 cause I figured he must need the sleep since he was probably up all night gaming. Well because of THAT, at least I think it is because of the games, he got a l i t t l e bit snotty and ornerier than I like so he lost that privilege for a couple days.
I was surprised at how well he took it, no tantrums or anything. I have hope that he IS growing up. I very pleased to see him interacting so much better with his younger siblings, the good is amazing the temper is still a problem but I do see some progress. IM the one who doesnt have much patience anymore and I know it, Im trying to knock down the irritation level but sometimes I just dont want to. I know that sounds childish but you know that "give a crap" gene we all have? well mine is messed up right now. It works sometimes but on days like today it is totally off line.

Talked to an old school friend, She is a 911 operator and is super uplifting and helpful, partly its her job but she always was like that. It was good to talk/chat to her she did her thing and I feel better, she helped me out. Talking through stuff usually does that for me.

I worry about my oldest son, he is an amazing young man but has SO much anger, always has unfortunately, and his dad well he didn't help matters, they were TOO much alike and started butting heads at his birth. That is part of the problem. My husband loved him so much and really looked forward to him but, unbeknown-st to us Kevin had a low testosterone problem AND it was compounded by depression which was a complicated thing, that has to do with HIS dad, its that stupid cycle thing but a real problem. Kevin worked to break it but with HIS physical/chemical issues being hidden for a long time it caused problems with his son. I guess that is part of the reason I am going into counseling. Ive been doing it for about 20 years anyway I may as well get paid for doing it.

Well Stargate universe awaits. Have a good night.

Atonement

I will preface this post with, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints.

I went to Church today. Sacrament meeting was good, one of our young men got his call to Bolivia he leaves the first part of January. In Sunday school we talked about Zachariah and the second coming. In Relief Society the lesson was on the Atonement and how having a better understanding of it will help us to live a full and better life. It was a good lesson. During it I was asked, by the Relief Society President, how the Atonement had helped me though this year. I replied that it had made it easier. That sounds so simple but really it is just that simple. Let me explain, and Im long winded but here goes.

Knowing that Jesus, a perfect being, came to earth to atone for sin, so that through repentance we can return to a loving Heavenly Father and live with him is an amazing gift. Now MY understanding of the Atonement is 2 fold. I don't lump it together as a single thing. I know there's a lot there, but for ME..
Christs atonement broken down: First off, the law of Justice must be satisfied in order for the law of Mercy to kick in. (Mercy can NOT rob Justice) Lets look at Adam and Eve, they were removed from the presence of God physically and brought Physical death to the world causing sin to become part of the world which means to me that the wages of sin is DEATH. When Christ came he paid Death for Death, it was a gift, so through his GRACE we are resurrected, the good, the bad, everyone, IT is the GIFT he gave us. But it is through MERCY, that Christ has Earned the right to intercede on our behalf so that we will be able to become the Sons and Daughters of God and DWELL with him. That part is conditional on OUR doing our part which is to repent and strive to be like Him through that, repentance and humility, we are able to enact Christ's Mercy in our lives.
The additional part which I consider the cream or great big Chocolate bar is Eternal Life. We tend to view Immortality and Eternal life as one but as I have studied I have come to the conclusion that its not. We will all, through Grace, be immortal but to gain Eternal life and BE like God takes more. There will be many who read this who will scratch their heads and say " shes nuts" that's OK.

It is the ETERNAL aspect of the Atonement that I just LOVE! Being LDS I have what I feel is a extra safety net that many others don't. The Book of Mormon is another testament of Jesus Christ. It helps to back up the scriptures and makes them much more understandable. Along with personal study of other apocryphal texts and works I continue to be enriched. My husband and I were sealed in the Salt Lake Temple for Time and ALL ETERNITY. Just words to some but to us, me, they mean I will get to be with him again, he is still my husband. Just because he passed through the veil and went on his great trip, to me, doesn't mean he no longer exists or has no part in my life. It is a comfort to me, and I feel of his presence. To know that we can be together forever with our children, parents, grandparents, grand children and ALL of our family IF we do what WE are supposed to do is amazing knowledge. This is an INDIVIDUAL choice we must EACH make it is not a blanket magic wand "poof" you get to be a God or Goddess.

I get angry, upset, frustrated, annoyed, and every emotion you can think of but I DO go back to the knowledge, and yes it is a KNOWING, that I WILL see him again and he is waiting for me, he is helping me out in every way he can so I can be with him too, because I KNOW he loved me with every fiber of his being. That helps a lot.

SO I guess that is one of the reasons my husbands death is not totally debilitating to me, I can not tell you the people who said to me or give me looks like, your insane, why aren't you more sad, gee didn't you love your husband? and Believe me I have had them. I just KNOW things they don't, or if they do know them they don't understand them.

All in all it was a good day at Church and will be a nice day at home, we are having Ham for dinner with all the goodies from yesterday thrown in.

Christmas

Not so bad so far, Santa made it. Kids are OK this morning, we have talked about how it is gonna be with dad gone this year, it seems to have helped.

I have lost 5 babies at various times during my pregnancy's, the hardest by far are the ones close to term. I am reminded of an old viking tradition, when a baby is born and did not appear to be healthy the father had the discretion to place it out in the woods, if it survived it would be kept and raised if not it was mourned and life went on. I had thought, when I first read this, it was an atrocity, still do but I think I understand why now. Loosing a baby whom you love and adore is very difficult but having raised and known a child through toddler hood, as a young man and then as a father himself it must be gut wrenching to go through. The old Viking tradition was something a father and husband could do for his child and wife, compassionate? Now don't get me wrong I still think it is horrible, I also did not live then but I do think, I at least, can understand even if I don't agree.

I got a letter from my father in law, he is very eloquent and an amazing writer, I am posting at the end of today's post so you can get a fathers view. There are a couple things Fred got wrong, Dawson is 7 not 6 at the time of his daddy's death and though my Brother in law DID much for our family it was not he who flew me down to AZ. A family friend (S.C.) did that and I can never repay her kindness!
Hopefully people will drop by today, I need someone to eat all the food.

Through his fathers eyes. Letter from Fred Christmas 2010.

The Beginning

Having had probably the worst year in my short 44 years so far, I have decided to blog about the healing I will be doing, I hope to be doing anyway. 2010 was not the best of years but then it wasn't completely horrible either.
I am going to start by taking a 40 day walk with Christ. A friend of mine gave me this activity a few months back, it was really nice of her but I just wasn't ready to walk with someone I was pretty ticked off at. I mean he took my husband! I have been, what I feel is understandably irritated and angry not only at Him but my husband too. I will go into these feelings more later but suffice it to say there were some pretty rotten feelings there.
I am starting this blog the night before Christmas, why? Well it was to stay awake so I can talk to good ole Santa and help him with the gifts but my sweet 10 year old daughter is having a difficult time getting to sleep SO it will be a pretty long night.
I will give some background about me, I met and married my sweetheart in January of 1987, we traveled a little working but landed finally back home in Utah where we lived for a while and had our first Child a beautiful little girl. Time passed and we moved to Montana where the other 3 of our children were born, boy girl Boy. Work stopped so life got hard and we headed to Arizona for a time, we did not sell our home or rent it out. Arizona was an experience for sure, we go tired of the hustle and bustle and HEAT so in November of 2007 moved back home to Montana. This is when things got crazy. My husband could not find work but did now want to sell our home so he went back to Az for work and we played that game for a while till it got old. He came home to Montana but had a small bit of work in AZ for a family friend offered to him it was only for a couple weeks so he went.
It is true what they Say about the Ides of March bringing bad news. I got a phone call from my Brotherinlaw that My husband of 23 years had been diagnosed with stage four cancer and I needed to get to AZ as soon as I could. I flew out the next day.
Life changes when Cancer hits but this blog is not about Cancer though my experience with it was awful and hopeless as it was stage four melenoma cancer and had metastatized to his brain and lungs and well everywhere and we had NO idea he had it till it was to the end stages. It was just too late.
He died with me holding his hand and his two oldest children, Daughter 18 son 15 next to him, in Arizona at his brothers home. That was truly one of the hardest and most spiritual things I have ever experienced. I may talk about it later but not now.
In September, just a little less than 3 months later my father who was almost 94 suffered a massive hemorrhagic stroke and multiple ischemic strokes which took his life. To say I was devastated would be putting it mildly at the time but I got through it. It is apparently what I do, at least many people have told me how incredibly strong I am, Ha if they only knew.
So with that I bid you adieu for now. Christmas will come and go and I will Blog as the days go by.
Thank you who will read this. I hope it helps someone out there.