Day 10 of my 40 day walk with God.

I started school on the 18th and got a little bogged down. I just couldn't find the time to blog. My Relief Society president had called me and asked me to do a lesson about, "What do you do with his name" It was a good lesson I think, at least a few sisters told me it was good.

School is going to be interesting this semester. I'm working on my Bachelors of Social Work. I am hoping to become a counselor, Family and teen. I enjoy this field and am excited about my schedule. I have Introduction to Interpersonal relations, Intro to Sociology and intro to Theater, Intro to algebra and Ceramics II. I found it funny that even though I already have an associates in arts and science there were a few holes I need to fill. Fun classes each, well except for the math, which I have minor panic attacks with, but I plan to persevere and learn all I can. I have to get to statistics to get my BSW so its a must do.

Day 10 is the Courage to ask forgiveness.

There is no actual "assignment" for this.
I have been thinking about it however. I have some guilt about Kevin's death. Im not sure if its survivors remorse or not but it has to do with a few things.

1. Kevin said quite a few times that I would do better if he wasn't around, He was not wanting a divorce or anything like that it was just a "awful and horrible" observation of his. I would get so upset at him for saying such an awful thing. Hes my other half. I was completed by him. Was it because I would be better off without him he was taken? Oh GOD please no...

2. I will always wonder what if... its a horrible thing really, but what if I had pushed him to go to the doctor that couple years prior, when he had the weird thing on his ear. He did go to the Dr in AZ, she told him, go to a dermatologist. He chose not to go and the "thing" fell off. I'm supposing "it" was the original cancer. Ive had some time this past while to really think on it and I never pushed him to go. When he showed me the weird bump below his xyphoid I told him to go he said why its nothing, though he did go to the for a physical but never mentioned that to her.

3. Was there more that we could have done if we had better or more insurance. I just don't know about this one but its a hard thought to have rolling over and over in my mind.
I do feel I did all we could do. Kevin had blessings that he would heal based on his faith and those around him. I feel that maybe because I didn't have enough faith he didn't have a miraculous recovery.

4. I have know since I was 16 that there is a special "thing" God has for me to do. I have fought it for years been rebellious and afraid of this "thing". I really do not want to do it. I have wondered if it is because of this "calling/thing" that Kevin was taken home. It drives me crazy.

I feel a large amount of guilt about a myriad of things. Did I do everything possible, did I treat him well, take care of him right, love him enough.??????? It is something that I work hard every day to just. not think about because it does eat at me. I have had blessings which have told me he is OK and all is well with him but I, in my flawed human way still feel the guilt.

Pondering this I have been asking myself if I have the right to ask for forgiveness? I shy away from being the squeaky wheel, when there are SO many of Gods children that need his love and support in so many more "important" ways. I say this knowing it sounds very stupid and is a cop out but is how it is. Like Kevin used to say "It may not be right, but its true". I Miss my sweet heart so much at times, its painful to my soul, other times I feel so much love its indescribable. I know he is in a beautiful and perfect state. I have seen this.
Day Ten, Courage to ask forgiveness. I think I'm ready to do this. It will be a difficult conversation with God but I pray he will ease my heart, mind, soul and body.

Day 11 ties into day 10 in some ways.

Through Christ we can be cleansed of sin.

Preach my Gospel Pages 60-61

( GO to Page 74 on the Toolbar when you get to the link.)

Otherwise I have posted most of it below.

God sent His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, into the world so that all of God’s children would have the possibility of returning to live in His presence after they die. Only through the Savior’s grace and mercy can we become clean from sin so that we can live in our Heavenly Father’s presence. Becoming clean from sin is being healed spiritually (3 Nephi 9:13, 18:32).
Because of Christ’s Atonement and Resurrection, all people will be brought back into the presence of the Lord to be judged according to their works and their desires (2 Nephi 9:10-16, Helaman 14:15-18 3 Nephi 27:14-22 D&C 137:9 ).
We will be judged according to the laws of justice and mercy. Justice is the unchanging law that brings consequences for actions—blessings for obedience to God’s commandments and penalties for disobedience. We all commit sin. Sin makes us unclean, and no unclean thing can live in God’s presence (1 Nephi 10:21 3 Nephi 27:19 Moses 6:57 ).

The Savior satisfied the demands of justice for those who repent of their sins and

endeavor to keep all of His commandments when He stood in our place and suffered the penalty for our sins. This act is called the Atonement. Because of this selfless act, Christ can plead with the Father on our behalf. Heavenly Father can apply mercy, withhold punishment from us, and welcome us into His presence. Our Heavenly Father shows mercy when He forgives us of our sins and helps us return to dwell in His presence.

However, Jesus did not eliminate our personal responsibility. He forgives our sins when we accept Him, repent, and obey His commandments. Through the Atonement and living the gospel we become worthy to enter the presence of our Heavenly Father permanently. We must show that we accept Christ and that we have faith in Him by keeping His commandments and obeying the first principles and ordinances of the gospel.

The assignment for Day 3:
"Take My yoke upon you, and learn of Me"
Lesson 10: New testament Gospel Doctrine Teachers manual, 40.
Read Matthew 11:28-30
What does it mean to "labour and [be] heavy laden"?
What are some examples of burdens we bear in this life?
How can the Lord "give [us] rest" from these burdens?
What does it mean to take Christ's yoke upon us?

After reading Matthew, I pondered these questions, they rolled around the back of my mind all day. At first my thoughts went to actual labor, hard physical labor, Ive done that when I worked with Kevin doing construction, sometimes I worked so hard I thought I would die, He was such a Beast when it came to stamina and of course I had to keep up with him. That was a good thing.
I thought of the burdens we bear, some have secrets that tear them up, others are in such pain emotionally and spiritually even physical pain, all of which are not only burdensome but wearing.
After thinking about the Physical labor, my mind shifted to emotional difficulties, the hard things we have to deal with daily, the horror of life, the pain of it all then again a shift to the Spiritual. I wondered am I burdened Spiritually? This took some thought and I concluded that yes, yes I am. I have things that I need to just get over, things that because I have not let them go are holding me back from moving forward and shining like a sunrise on a mountain meadow, sparkling sunshine in the dew drops of the morning. I want to be like that, beautiful spiritually, Physically well I am what I am,, but Spiritually I can be so much more.

Pondering the ways the Lord can help I got to thinking about when he was in Gethsemane and took ALL the pain, sin, disappointment, sorrow, All of it upon himself, so much so that he bled from every pore, as Luke observed. He knows my pain, my sorrow, my fear and all the things I go through daily. He knows, He empathizes and is there to hold me and buoy me up. THIS I know. I have felt it. When I stop and just be, quietly meditating. When I see that sparkling lake, the smile on my children's faces, the dog wanting attention. I see glimpses. He said Be still and KNOW I am with you. In our lives today, at least MY life, it seems so hectic that taking time to just stop seems to be impossible, I am actually afraid to do so because I will HAVE to FEEL things I don't know I really want to feel. I will take that time, I must. There are the standard pat answers of Pray, read scriptures and all, they are right but I think we must also be brave and face fear, head on, in order to let Him take us to heights we never thought we could go.

Day 4:
For God so loved the world.
Dallin H. Oaks, "Love and Law," Ensign, Nov, 2009, 26
There is not greater evidence of the infinite power and perfection of God's love than is declared by the Apostle John: 'For God so love t the world, that he gave his only begotten Son' (John 3:16). Another Apostle wrote that God 'Spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all' (Romans 8:32).
Think how it must have grieved our Heavenly Father to send His Son to endure incomprehensible suffering for our sins. That is the greatest evidence of His love for each of us!"

Day 2 of my 40 day walk with God

The assignment:

The Plan of Salvation
"Young Women Value Experiences and Projects."Young Women Personal Progress: Standing As a Witness of God, 11-14

Increase your understanding of the plan of salvation. Resources for study include 2 Nephi 9:1-28 2 Nephi 11: 4-7 Moses 4:1-4 Revelation 12: 7-9 D&C 76:50-113 D&C 93: 33-34 Abraham 3: 24-27 and 1 Corinthians 15:22
Draw or obtain a picture that depicts the plan of salvation, including the premortal existence, birth, mortal life, Death, Judgment, and life after judgment.
Using this picture, explain the plan of salvation to your family or friends in a Family Home Evening. Discuss how knowledge of the plan affects your actions.

After reading the scriptures suggested, I also did a little more study on the plan of salvation. I just LOVE Abraham and the Apocryphal texts, there are others too, and yes, I find it easiest to access them off my study most link. I really enjoy delving into the meat and potatoes of the subjects that come up. I'm a little tired of the whip cream part of Church. The Gospel is so simple but there are some amazing intricacies and reasons it is, and I love to learn about them.

I printed off the picture of the plan of salvation and talked to the kids about it in our first FHE of the year, they had good questions and hopefully I answered them. One of them was, so say you get married and your husband/wife dies like a week after what then? We talked about how when you are sealed to each other you are also sealed to God so the chain will never be broken because it always is connected to Him. If you remarry, depending on circumstances and such, you could be sealed again, if a man no problem if a woman, well that should work its self out in the eternities. I was surprised that it was a worry for the kids, they all were wondering, I guess they are concerned for the future and me possibly going that route but as of today, totally no interest in that. Im actually enjoying getting to know me again right now. We talked about some of the other ways it affects us and what we do. Dawson was rather insightful, he said that it was important cause "GOD said so", I love it when they say stuff like that.

In my studying I tend to get sidetracked and of course did here to. I found that for every earth created there is a first born spirit of that world,. A first flesh, and first fruits and its own Satan. This is in the Gospel of Bartholomew, I know its not canonized scripture but..many biblical books have been lost as elder McConkie writes. There is a common known LDS saying and scripture, "A bible a bible" is pronounced in the scriptures, but couldn't we change that to 'a quad a quad I have a quad' or to those who seek out of the best books only if they are from Deseret or Seagull book. The 13th article of faith declares we should seek after things that are virtuous lovely or praiseworthy, we need to be careful not to deny the spirit of revelation and personal prophecy. D&C 11:25 states: Wo be unto him that shall say: We have received the word of God, and we need no more..... we have enough...and also in 2Nephi 28: 29-30. We like to think these kind of statements are for the people who do not believe in the Book of Mormon or those who will probably never read it but Mormon did not waste his time, energy and Gold, He wrote it for those who read it, that would be us and made sure the record was preserved for your/our day.. SO I say We need to read other books and use that gift God gave us to receive inspiration and revelation.
Something else I knew but found was that: Brigham Young distinguished between the kingdom of God and the church of Jesus Christ or Zion, (JD2:3 16-17, 11:275 12:274) "in THAT day, ALL except the sons of perdition will be gathered into kingdoms where there will be a certain amount of peace and glory. This includes even murderers and NOT just those of the LDS faith. I think sometimes that there are some Latter day saints who believe only they will be there and they are wrong.
I also read the Abbaton, its a document which speaks about the council in heaven its fascinating, I believe that it is part of the plain and precious things that were taken from the bible. I love to read the other books that are out there, one of my favorite is the book of Jasher it is mentioned in the bible. I also have knowledge that there are MORE scrolls which have come to lite and will change Christianity as it is. I hope to be around when the translations are released and hope to see information about them soon.

Day 3: "Take My yoke upon you, and learn of Me" Lesson 10: New testament Gospel Doctrine Teachers manual, 40. Read Matthew 11:28-30 What does it mean to "labour and [be] heavy laden"? What are some examples of burdens we bear in this life? How can the Lord "give [us] rest" from these burdens? What does it mean to take Christ's yoke upon us?

My 40 day Walk with God Answer to Day 1. Activity for Day 2

The request was to: Read the Living Christ: Ponder your personal testimony of our Savior. During the next40 days, how would you like your testimony to grow. I posted a link too.



I thought this would be an easy assignment but it turns out it wasn't. I have a strong testimony of Christ and thinking how I want to strengthen that more is not so easy. Why you may wonder but I want SO much more its difficult to pinpoint just What that is. I want to have an even MORE Personal relationship with him, I want to Understand the whys of what he is guiding me to do and the HOW. I have the faith that this will happen, Id love to be able to see with my physical eyes him there, I know he is there spiritually and would love to be able to see that more. Feel him more, be able to converse and understand what he is telling me easier than I currently do. I love him and know hes there for me, not just some omnipotent spirit, my brother Jesus.
I guess it just boils down to I want a better relationship with Christ and hope it will grow magnificently on our walk together.

Day 2: (My answer will be posted tomorrow)

The Plan of Salvation
"Young Women Value Experiences and Projects."Young Women Personal Progress: Standing As a Witness of God, 11-14

Increase your understanding of the plan of salvation. Resources for study include 2 Nephi 9:1-28 2 Nephi 11: 4-7 Moses 4:1-4 Revelation 12: 7-9 D&C 76:50-113 D&C 93: 33-34 Abraham 3: 24-27 and 1 Corinthians 15:22
Draw or obtain a picture that depicts the plan of salvation, including the premortal existence, birth, mortal life, Death, Judgment, and life after judgment.

Using this picture, explain the plan of salvation to your family or friends in a Family Home Evening. Discuss how knowledge of the plan affects your actions.

Those of my friends who are not LDS wont be able to access the full YWPP area but the link does give you a lot of information.

My walk with God, Day 1

So I start today this walk with God.
Here are the instructions for day 1

Read the Living Christ
Ponder your personal testimony of our Savior. During the next40 days, how would you like your testimony to grow.

This link will take you to the Living Christ so you can read it.

http://lds.org/library/display/0,4945,90-1-10-1,00.html



We had the Missionaries over for dinner tonight, they are such nice guys. I love that they are a good example to my boys. They seem to like this pair and I do too both have been out for a while and are personable and nice.
We did a little reminiscing with them about family things and it was a nice night. Guess I better go read the link so I can get started. Looks like I'm gonna need to do a bit of thinking on this one. When I first read it I thought hmm pretty easy answer but as i think about it Its not gonna be that easy after all. Well here's to the new year and an attitude change. I am looking forward to my walk with God.