Long road

Been so busy, haven't had lots of time to blog but now things have calmed down and I'm gonna do what I can to catch yall up.

My daughter became engaged in February just after my trip to Vegas,which was so much fun, I saw the Blue man group, Cirque de Solie's O, and the body exhibit all of which were amazing and I enjoyed having my friend go with me.

My youngest daughter was in a play.

School has been going along ok, and the plans for the wedding that was supposed to be in July were progressing just fine until,,, I got the notice that the date had been moved to APRIL 21st, I was not prepared for that. Not that I didn't think they were right for each other just that the time frame for having all the fun stuff was shut down. No showers, no fun mom and daughter time doing things for the wedding it was all just slammed down to NOPE we are doing this NOW.

SO, Ok I either be a complainer and make the process a pain or I be the loving mom and support the decision. I chose to be supportive. They decided to have the wedding sooner for what ever reason, that's ok. The Temple was amazing and the sealing was truly beautiful, they are still going to have the reception in July, on the 2nd when its near that holiday, so people can come up for it. I guess they put a bit of thought into that and its a good thing, different from what is the norm now, but it will be ok and work out just fine.

Been called to teach in Relief society, its interesting and I enjoy it. Im stressing school a little but thats pretty normal. I do have good days and bad days where I am fine with Kevins loss but other days and moments in days, I have a quick cry because my friend and love is gone and all the things we should be doing together I must do alone now. Is it bad, I guess in many ways it is but in others its not, hes here with me, I just don't get to discuss things with him like before in the WAY I have before, I do still talk to him. I miss that, I didnt want to discuss things with him all the time when he was alive but not having that option is something I miss.

I found out I only have about 5 classes left and I will have my 2nd associates degree, in SW and I will be able to transfer to Missoula to complete the program there. I'm hoping to have it done so I can get a job in time to make up the difference when Kevin's SSI runs out on Forest in 3 years. God has really blessed me and my family with so much.

Being as today is Easter I have such hopes and a testimony of the resurrection, I will see my sweet heart again, be able to hug, hold and enjoy him when that time comes. It is a comfort and a strength for me each day. I still have so much to work on and so many things I should be doing right but continue to mess up on. Im grateful that God and Jesus Christ has given me the opportunities I am receiving to do the things I need to to return to them all.

I had the opportunity to go to Helena to the Archie Bray, the ceramic mecca of the USA, it was fun and interesting. My instructor encouraged me to try to get involved in the summer program there, I wish I could but with the kids and all I dont know how I could ever do that, I am happy doing the Ceramics I am doing, I hope to get some machines to make things and maybe sell a few things at the Farmers Market in Hamilton when I get moved there, on Gods time when he sees that things are right, I still need to get stuff done on the house and get it sold. Yeah!

Day 10 of my 40 day walk with God.

I started school on the 18th and got a little bogged down. I just couldn't find the time to blog. My Relief Society president had called me and asked me to do a lesson about, "What do you do with his name" It was a good lesson I think, at least a few sisters told me it was good.

School is going to be interesting this semester. I'm working on my Bachelors of Social Work. I am hoping to become a counselor, Family and teen. I enjoy this field and am excited about my schedule. I have Introduction to Interpersonal relations, Intro to Sociology and intro to Theater, Intro to algebra and Ceramics II. I found it funny that even though I already have an associates in arts and science there were a few holes I need to fill. Fun classes each, well except for the math, which I have minor panic attacks with, but I plan to persevere and learn all I can. I have to get to statistics to get my BSW so its a must do.

Day 10 is the Courage to ask forgiveness.

There is no actual "assignment" for this.
I have been thinking about it however. I have some guilt about Kevin's death. Im not sure if its survivors remorse or not but it has to do with a few things.

1. Kevin said quite a few times that I would do better if he wasn't around, He was not wanting a divorce or anything like that it was just a "awful and horrible" observation of his. I would get so upset at him for saying such an awful thing. Hes my other half. I was completed by him. Was it because I would be better off without him he was taken? Oh GOD please no...

2. I will always wonder what if... its a horrible thing really, but what if I had pushed him to go to the doctor that couple years prior, when he had the weird thing on his ear. He did go to the Dr in AZ, she told him, go to a dermatologist. He chose not to go and the "thing" fell off. I'm supposing "it" was the original cancer. Ive had some time this past while to really think on it and I never pushed him to go. When he showed me the weird bump below his xyphoid I told him to go he said why its nothing, though he did go to the for a physical but never mentioned that to her.

3. Was there more that we could have done if we had better or more insurance. I just don't know about this one but its a hard thought to have rolling over and over in my mind.
I do feel I did all we could do. Kevin had blessings that he would heal based on his faith and those around him. I feel that maybe because I didn't have enough faith he didn't have a miraculous recovery.

4. I have know since I was 16 that there is a special "thing" God has for me to do. I have fought it for years been rebellious and afraid of this "thing". I really do not want to do it. I have wondered if it is because of this "calling/thing" that Kevin was taken home. It drives me crazy.

I feel a large amount of guilt about a myriad of things. Did I do everything possible, did I treat him well, take care of him right, love him enough.??????? It is something that I work hard every day to just. not think about because it does eat at me. I have had blessings which have told me he is OK and all is well with him but I, in my flawed human way still feel the guilt.

Pondering this I have been asking myself if I have the right to ask for forgiveness? I shy away from being the squeaky wheel, when there are SO many of Gods children that need his love and support in so many more "important" ways. I say this knowing it sounds very stupid and is a cop out but is how it is. Like Kevin used to say "It may not be right, but its true". I Miss my sweet heart so much at times, its painful to my soul, other times I feel so much love its indescribable. I know he is in a beautiful and perfect state. I have seen this.
Day Ten, Courage to ask forgiveness. I think I'm ready to do this. It will be a difficult conversation with God but I pray he will ease my heart, mind, soul and body.

Day 11 ties into day 10 in some ways.

Through Christ we can be cleansed of sin.

Preach my Gospel Pages 60-61

( GO to Page 74 on the Toolbar when you get to the link.)

Otherwise I have posted most of it below.

God sent His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, into the world so that all of God’s children would have the possibility of returning to live in His presence after they die. Only through the Savior’s grace and mercy can we become clean from sin so that we can live in our Heavenly Father’s presence. Becoming clean from sin is being healed spiritually (3 Nephi 9:13, 18:32).
Because of Christ’s Atonement and Resurrection, all people will be brought back into the presence of the Lord to be judged according to their works and their desires (2 Nephi 9:10-16, Helaman 14:15-18 3 Nephi 27:14-22 D&C 137:9 ).
We will be judged according to the laws of justice and mercy. Justice is the unchanging law that brings consequences for actions—blessings for obedience to God’s commandments and penalties for disobedience. We all commit sin. Sin makes us unclean, and no unclean thing can live in God’s presence (1 Nephi 10:21 3 Nephi 27:19 Moses 6:57 ).

The Savior satisfied the demands of justice for those who repent of their sins and

endeavor to keep all of His commandments when He stood in our place and suffered the penalty for our sins. This act is called the Atonement. Because of this selfless act, Christ can plead with the Father on our behalf. Heavenly Father can apply mercy, withhold punishment from us, and welcome us into His presence. Our Heavenly Father shows mercy when He forgives us of our sins and helps us return to dwell in His presence.

However, Jesus did not eliminate our personal responsibility. He forgives our sins when we accept Him, repent, and obey His commandments. Through the Atonement and living the gospel we become worthy to enter the presence of our Heavenly Father permanently. We must show that we accept Christ and that we have faith in Him by keeping His commandments and obeying the first principles and ordinances of the gospel.

Atonement

I will preface this post with, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints.

I went to Church today. Sacrament meeting was good, one of our young men got his call to Bolivia he leaves the first part of January. In Sunday school we talked about Zachariah and the second coming. In Relief Society the lesson was on the Atonement and how having a better understanding of it will help us to live a full and better life. It was a good lesson. During it I was asked, by the Relief Society President, how the Atonement had helped me though this year. I replied that it had made it easier. That sounds so simple but really it is just that simple. Let me explain, and Im long winded but here goes.

Knowing that Jesus, a perfect being, came to earth to atone for sin, so that through repentance we can return to a loving Heavenly Father and live with him is an amazing gift. Now MY understanding of the Atonement is 2 fold. I don't lump it together as a single thing. I know there's a lot there, but for ME..
Christs atonement broken down: First off, the law of Justice must be satisfied in order for the law of Mercy to kick in. (Mercy can NOT rob Justice) Lets look at Adam and Eve, they were removed from the presence of God physically and brought Physical death to the world causing sin to become part of the world which means to me that the wages of sin is DEATH. When Christ came he paid Death for Death, it was a gift, so through his GRACE we are resurrected, the good, the bad, everyone, IT is the GIFT he gave us. But it is through MERCY, that Christ has Earned the right to intercede on our behalf so that we will be able to become the Sons and Daughters of God and DWELL with him. That part is conditional on OUR doing our part which is to repent and strive to be like Him through that, repentance and humility, we are able to enact Christ's Mercy in our lives.
The additional part which I consider the cream or great big Chocolate bar is Eternal Life. We tend to view Immortality and Eternal life as one but as I have studied I have come to the conclusion that its not. We will all, through Grace, be immortal but to gain Eternal life and BE like God takes more. There will be many who read this who will scratch their heads and say " shes nuts" that's OK.

It is the ETERNAL aspect of the Atonement that I just LOVE! Being LDS I have what I feel is a extra safety net that many others don't. The Book of Mormon is another testament of Jesus Christ. It helps to back up the scriptures and makes them much more understandable. Along with personal study of other apocryphal texts and works I continue to be enriched. My husband and I were sealed in the Salt Lake Temple for Time and ALL ETERNITY. Just words to some but to us, me, they mean I will get to be with him again, he is still my husband. Just because he passed through the veil and went on his great trip, to me, doesn't mean he no longer exists or has no part in my life. It is a comfort to me, and I feel of his presence. To know that we can be together forever with our children, parents, grandparents, grand children and ALL of our family IF we do what WE are supposed to do is amazing knowledge. This is an INDIVIDUAL choice we must EACH make it is not a blanket magic wand "poof" you get to be a God or Goddess.

I get angry, upset, frustrated, annoyed, and every emotion you can think of but I DO go back to the knowledge, and yes it is a KNOWING, that I WILL see him again and he is waiting for me, he is helping me out in every way he can so I can be with him too, because I KNOW he loved me with every fiber of his being. That helps a lot.

SO I guess that is one of the reasons my husbands death is not totally debilitating to me, I can not tell you the people who said to me or give me looks like, your insane, why aren't you more sad, gee didn't you love your husband? and Believe me I have had them. I just KNOW things they don't, or if they do know them they don't understand them.

All in all it was a good day at Church and will be a nice day at home, we are having Ham for dinner with all the goodies from yesterday thrown in.