Day 10 of my 40 day walk with God.

I started school on the 18th and got a little bogged down. I just couldn't find the time to blog. My Relief Society president had called me and asked me to do a lesson about, "What do you do with his name" It was a good lesson I think, at least a few sisters told me it was good.

School is going to be interesting this semester. I'm working on my Bachelors of Social Work. I am hoping to become a counselor, Family and teen. I enjoy this field and am excited about my schedule. I have Introduction to Interpersonal relations, Intro to Sociology and intro to Theater, Intro to algebra and Ceramics II. I found it funny that even though I already have an associates in arts and science there were a few holes I need to fill. Fun classes each, well except for the math, which I have minor panic attacks with, but I plan to persevere and learn all I can. I have to get to statistics to get my BSW so its a must do.

Day 10 is the Courage to ask forgiveness.

There is no actual "assignment" for this.
I have been thinking about it however. I have some guilt about Kevin's death. Im not sure if its survivors remorse or not but it has to do with a few things.

1. Kevin said quite a few times that I would do better if he wasn't around, He was not wanting a divorce or anything like that it was just a "awful and horrible" observation of his. I would get so upset at him for saying such an awful thing. Hes my other half. I was completed by him. Was it because I would be better off without him he was taken? Oh GOD please no...

2. I will always wonder what if... its a horrible thing really, but what if I had pushed him to go to the doctor that couple years prior, when he had the weird thing on his ear. He did go to the Dr in AZ, she told him, go to a dermatologist. He chose not to go and the "thing" fell off. I'm supposing "it" was the original cancer. Ive had some time this past while to really think on it and I never pushed him to go. When he showed me the weird bump below his xyphoid I told him to go he said why its nothing, though he did go to the for a physical but never mentioned that to her.

3. Was there more that we could have done if we had better or more insurance. I just don't know about this one but its a hard thought to have rolling over and over in my mind.
I do feel I did all we could do. Kevin had blessings that he would heal based on his faith and those around him. I feel that maybe because I didn't have enough faith he didn't have a miraculous recovery.

4. I have know since I was 16 that there is a special "thing" God has for me to do. I have fought it for years been rebellious and afraid of this "thing". I really do not want to do it. I have wondered if it is because of this "calling/thing" that Kevin was taken home. It drives me crazy.

I feel a large amount of guilt about a myriad of things. Did I do everything possible, did I treat him well, take care of him right, love him enough.??????? It is something that I work hard every day to just. not think about because it does eat at me. I have had blessings which have told me he is OK and all is well with him but I, in my flawed human way still feel the guilt.

Pondering this I have been asking myself if I have the right to ask for forgiveness? I shy away from being the squeaky wheel, when there are SO many of Gods children that need his love and support in so many more "important" ways. I say this knowing it sounds very stupid and is a cop out but is how it is. Like Kevin used to say "It may not be right, but its true". I Miss my sweet heart so much at times, its painful to my soul, other times I feel so much love its indescribable. I know he is in a beautiful and perfect state. I have seen this.
Day Ten, Courage to ask forgiveness. I think I'm ready to do this. It will be a difficult conversation with God but I pray he will ease my heart, mind, soul and body.

Day 11 ties into day 10 in some ways.

Through Christ we can be cleansed of sin.

Preach my Gospel Pages 60-61

( GO to Page 74 on the Toolbar when you get to the link.)

Otherwise I have posted most of it below.

God sent His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, into the world so that all of God’s children would have the possibility of returning to live in His presence after they die. Only through the Savior’s grace and mercy can we become clean from sin so that we can live in our Heavenly Father’s presence. Becoming clean from sin is being healed spiritually (3 Nephi 9:13, 18:32).
Because of Christ’s Atonement and Resurrection, all people will be brought back into the presence of the Lord to be judged according to their works and their desires (2 Nephi 9:10-16, Helaman 14:15-18 3 Nephi 27:14-22 D&C 137:9 ).
We will be judged according to the laws of justice and mercy. Justice is the unchanging law that brings consequences for actions—blessings for obedience to God’s commandments and penalties for disobedience. We all commit sin. Sin makes us unclean, and no unclean thing can live in God’s presence (1 Nephi 10:21 3 Nephi 27:19 Moses 6:57 ).

The Savior satisfied the demands of justice for those who repent of their sins and

endeavor to keep all of His commandments when He stood in our place and suffered the penalty for our sins. This act is called the Atonement. Because of this selfless act, Christ can plead with the Father on our behalf. Heavenly Father can apply mercy, withhold punishment from us, and welcome us into His presence. Our Heavenly Father shows mercy when He forgives us of our sins and helps us return to dwell in His presence.

However, Jesus did not eliminate our personal responsibility. He forgives our sins when we accept Him, repent, and obey His commandments. Through the Atonement and living the gospel we become worthy to enter the presence of our Heavenly Father permanently. We must show that we accept Christ and that we have faith in Him by keeping His commandments and obeying the first principles and ordinances of the gospel.

Reflections

Looking back on 2010.
January brought a bit of work for Kevin, he was doing a few things for Porters at this time, on an hourly basis, a hotel remodel. Money was good and he SO loved working for them. Porter Brothers Construction of Mesa Az is truly a wonderful company. The owners try to treat their employees like family. February rolled around and Kevins Job there was done. The kids had a fun party life was good, hard at times but good. Kevin came home. We were all so excited to see him! He seemed a little offish but healthy at least the Dr said she wished all her 47 year old patients were in as good a shape as he was. A friend called Kevin left again to AZ, a roof and some things on the farm to do. We were happy, he was going to be able to make our mortgage and bills for another month. School was going well for me I really enjoyed my classes especially my clay class and my anthropology class. Mariah was "the bell of school" well at least her little corner of it. Things seemed to be going along well for her senior year. Forest was integrating, being a freshman is pretty hard to begin with but when your sister is "figgy" theres a little stress there. Aurora was enjoying 4th grad and Dawson was doing very well in first.

I remember when huge eventful things happen, not the day persay but the place I was and what I was doing. Like when the twin towers were hit, I was watching Katie Couric, nursing my sweet little Aurora in the trailer we were living in at the time. When I got the news about my husband I was sitting with some of my class mates discussing our paper, I got the feeling I should call home. I borrowed my friends phone and Mariah told me I needed to call Susan, something was wrong with Dad and Susan was really worried. I did. She explained what was going on, it sounded like he was having a stroke. I told her to just take him to the ER asap. Its so scary when the one you love is having problems and you are 1400 miles away. Susan took off to pick up Kevin and take him to the Hospital. She ran into Kevins brother Ken, told him what was going on, Ken called Kevins friend and Dr. who told him GO to the ER he is having a stroke... Well I wish to God it had been that benign.

I left school and as I was driving home I got the feeling that It was really bad, Kevin was not going to make it. I brushed that off thinking it was just my over active imagination going into overdrive because he wasn't close and I was afraid for him.
It was that bad. Ken called when I got home, I guess he was pretty worried about it, how I would take the news. I dont think I did too bad I'm sure HE might think differently but I clicked into auto pilot, got to get to Kevin, worry about kids later, Mariah can handle things for a couple days... I called Susan and asked her if she would PLEASE help me get down to AZ. She came through got me a ticket the next day and our families lives changed forever. The Ides of March, Bad news day.
I'm not going to go into all the gory details, It hurts too bad, but the long and short of it is, Kevin had stage 4 Melanoma Cancer, it had metastasized and was in his lungs and his brain, 15 at last count. We did everything we could to fight the bastard, but it won. Kevin had blessings telling him it want his time right then, that he would be healed if he believed things like that. Well obviously that didn't happen.
Kevin had a wish to show his parents how much he respected them and honored them, there is quite a strain there and he felt it was important. So we stayed with them for a while in Utah, in May. Mariah was able to come to Utah, school let her off. The little ones had been uprooted and brought to AZ so their uncle and mostly aunt could help me with them since I was only zeroed in on Kevin and how to help him. It was a mothers day I will NEVER forget, It was the day we told the children Daddy was probably going to die. That was truly one of the most horrible and disgusting things we had to do. Hard, horrible but the love, I can not explain the LOVE we felt for each other as we sat on the bed discussing that horrible beast cancer. Ive got to tell you how helpless I felt, I just was not prepared for this type of battle, Kevin and I had been through so much, loss of children, Family members, personal couples issues, Marriage problems and had worked hard to make it though, we love each other so much, we complete the other, the best way for me to describe it is to liken it to a strand of DNA, I was one half he was the other, we were one. Watching that half of me be in pain and loose the things he felt was so important to him, the process of Death and dying I was too young and very scared. I had to put my fear behind me and be strong for Kevin, he was afraid, when the Dr told me he had 3 months or less to live, he was not in the room he did not want to know. Which is good for him he could not have dealt with it very well. I carried that knowledge with me, quietly and I hope stoically, for him. I believe he knew, but he had recently been able to NOT do and think about things that he didnt want to deal with, I think this is part of the tumors. They explain so many things that were off with him the past year, prior to his diagnosis.
I have joked many times that I get 2 husbands the fuzzy bearded one in winter and the clean shaven hansom guy. I can now say with a surety, I have, in a odd way, been able to actually spend a lifetime with my adorable husband as a young strong wonderful man through his many changing faucets I always wanted to grow old together, He aged so, that last 16 weeks of his life. As I look at the photos of him he had wasted away to a 90 year old man. We had always made plans to go on a mission, kidnap the grand kids and take them to Disneyland Travel and win the Archery tournaments he so loved. I feel cheated but so full. He Loved me more in our 23 years of marriage than many people ever feel in a lifetime. Things were not perfect but they were right. I love him, I always will.
As I share a family tradition of banging on pans outside screaming in the new year with my children this year, I will miss him, half of ME is missing. I have to rebuild and put that mess together. It will be a difficult time for me but I think I am up to it. I will need help from him, on the other side, from God, from my friends. Daddy and Mom must be enjoying having him with them, HE did love my parents. I love you Fig, my heart, my soul and my everything. I will carry on and do what I know must be done, I just hope to feel of you now and then, I will join you one day in the far future after God has done with me what needs doing. Im not fighting that anymore, I will go and do.
Here is to a new and amazing year, to experiences and lessons that will be learned. I will see you again. Keep the light on and the hugs coming I need them.