Reflections

Looking back on 2010.
January brought a bit of work for Kevin, he was doing a few things for Porters at this time, on an hourly basis, a hotel remodel. Money was good and he SO loved working for them. Porter Brothers Construction of Mesa Az is truly a wonderful company. The owners try to treat their employees like family. February rolled around and Kevins Job there was done. The kids had a fun party life was good, hard at times but good. Kevin came home. We were all so excited to see him! He seemed a little offish but healthy at least the Dr said she wished all her 47 year old patients were in as good a shape as he was. A friend called Kevin left again to AZ, a roof and some things on the farm to do. We were happy, he was going to be able to make our mortgage and bills for another month. School was going well for me I really enjoyed my classes especially my clay class and my anthropology class. Mariah was "the bell of school" well at least her little corner of it. Things seemed to be going along well for her senior year. Forest was integrating, being a freshman is pretty hard to begin with but when your sister is "figgy" theres a little stress there. Aurora was enjoying 4th grad and Dawson was doing very well in first.

I remember when huge eventful things happen, not the day persay but the place I was and what I was doing. Like when the twin towers were hit, I was watching Katie Couric, nursing my sweet little Aurora in the trailer we were living in at the time. When I got the news about my husband I was sitting with some of my class mates discussing our paper, I got the feeling I should call home. I borrowed my friends phone and Mariah told me I needed to call Susan, something was wrong with Dad and Susan was really worried. I did. She explained what was going on, it sounded like he was having a stroke. I told her to just take him to the ER asap. Its so scary when the one you love is having problems and you are 1400 miles away. Susan took off to pick up Kevin and take him to the Hospital. She ran into Kevins brother Ken, told him what was going on, Ken called Kevins friend and Dr. who told him GO to the ER he is having a stroke... Well I wish to God it had been that benign.

I left school and as I was driving home I got the feeling that It was really bad, Kevin was not going to make it. I brushed that off thinking it was just my over active imagination going into overdrive because he wasn't close and I was afraid for him.
It was that bad. Ken called when I got home, I guess he was pretty worried about it, how I would take the news. I dont think I did too bad I'm sure HE might think differently but I clicked into auto pilot, got to get to Kevin, worry about kids later, Mariah can handle things for a couple days... I called Susan and asked her if she would PLEASE help me get down to AZ. She came through got me a ticket the next day and our families lives changed forever. The Ides of March, Bad news day.
I'm not going to go into all the gory details, It hurts too bad, but the long and short of it is, Kevin had stage 4 Melanoma Cancer, it had metastasized and was in his lungs and his brain, 15 at last count. We did everything we could to fight the bastard, but it won. Kevin had blessings telling him it want his time right then, that he would be healed if he believed things like that. Well obviously that didn't happen.
Kevin had a wish to show his parents how much he respected them and honored them, there is quite a strain there and he felt it was important. So we stayed with them for a while in Utah, in May. Mariah was able to come to Utah, school let her off. The little ones had been uprooted and brought to AZ so their uncle and mostly aunt could help me with them since I was only zeroed in on Kevin and how to help him. It was a mothers day I will NEVER forget, It was the day we told the children Daddy was probably going to die. That was truly one of the most horrible and disgusting things we had to do. Hard, horrible but the love, I can not explain the LOVE we felt for each other as we sat on the bed discussing that horrible beast cancer. Ive got to tell you how helpless I felt, I just was not prepared for this type of battle, Kevin and I had been through so much, loss of children, Family members, personal couples issues, Marriage problems and had worked hard to make it though, we love each other so much, we complete the other, the best way for me to describe it is to liken it to a strand of DNA, I was one half he was the other, we were one. Watching that half of me be in pain and loose the things he felt was so important to him, the process of Death and dying I was too young and very scared. I had to put my fear behind me and be strong for Kevin, he was afraid, when the Dr told me he had 3 months or less to live, he was not in the room he did not want to know. Which is good for him he could not have dealt with it very well. I carried that knowledge with me, quietly and I hope stoically, for him. I believe he knew, but he had recently been able to NOT do and think about things that he didnt want to deal with, I think this is part of the tumors. They explain so many things that were off with him the past year, prior to his diagnosis.
I have joked many times that I get 2 husbands the fuzzy bearded one in winter and the clean shaven hansom guy. I can now say with a surety, I have, in a odd way, been able to actually spend a lifetime with my adorable husband as a young strong wonderful man through his many changing faucets I always wanted to grow old together, He aged so, that last 16 weeks of his life. As I look at the photos of him he had wasted away to a 90 year old man. We had always made plans to go on a mission, kidnap the grand kids and take them to Disneyland Travel and win the Archery tournaments he so loved. I feel cheated but so full. He Loved me more in our 23 years of marriage than many people ever feel in a lifetime. Things were not perfect but they were right. I love him, I always will.
As I share a family tradition of banging on pans outside screaming in the new year with my children this year, I will miss him, half of ME is missing. I have to rebuild and put that mess together. It will be a difficult time for me but I think I am up to it. I will need help from him, on the other side, from God, from my friends. Daddy and Mom must be enjoying having him with them, HE did love my parents. I love you Fig, my heart, my soul and my everything. I will carry on and do what I know must be done, I just hope to feel of you now and then, I will join you one day in the far future after God has done with me what needs doing. Im not fighting that anymore, I will go and do.
Here is to a new and amazing year, to experiences and lessons that will be learned. I will see you again. Keep the light on and the hugs coming I need them.

You eat 135lbs of it a year DID YOU know that?

Today was a busy day, we CLEANED, that almighty, nasty, awful, household chore that NEVER ends. We got it done well most of it anyway and I did get out of my Jammie's today. I try to keep my mind busy so I don't think alot, thinking always seems to lead to Kevin and that leads to tears or some emotion that makes my eyes leak. It is inevitable however that something will lead to remembering....

Preface here, links are cut and paste

I got on Face book a while ago and saw a post from a friend I have a lot of respect for, who has battled brain cancer and at this time is doing OK. She was lamenting about going off sugar cold turkey and how hard that is. I can sympathize with that, I too am a Sugar addict, I LOVE toffee, Adore milk, and Mashed potatoes are, well, just amazing.
When my husband was diagnosed with cancer they told him to eat what ever he wanted sugary fattening foods were ok. He was ecstatic about that. I later have found that, that advice probably helped to kill him faster. At least from what I can tell. See Cancer loves an acidic environment and Sugar helps the body be acidic. One study called it the Warburg Effect which states that
"When patients were put on low-carb diets in 2007, their cancers reversed spontaneously.
In Würzburg, Germany, researchers concluded that cancer cells have a different metabolism, the so called Warburg hypothesis, or Warburg Effect, first described in 1924 by Otto Warburg. He concluded that "the prime cause of cancer is the replacement of the respiration of oxygen in normal body cells by a fermentation of sugar."

http://drbass.com/cancer.html They go on further to state

"To the two researchers in Würzburg, the theoretical debate about what is now known as the Warburg effect — whether it is the primary cause of cancer or a mere metabolic side effect — is irrelevant. What they believe is that it can be therapeutically exploited. The theory is simple: If most aggressive cancers rely on the fermentation of sugar for growing and dividing, then take away the sugar and they should stop spreading. Meanwhile, normal body and brain cells should be able to handle the sugar starvation; they can switch to generating energy from fatty molecules called ketone bodies — the body's main source of energy on a fat-rich diet — an ability that some or most fast-growing and invasive cancers seem to lack."

Now IM not a scientist but it makes sense to me. There are so many homeopathic options. I know of people who are living with cancer, they are supposed to be dead, but they changed their diet drastically and though the cancer is there its not killing them and really its not usually the cancer that kills people its the complications of the medications on the body that cause death.

The Ojibwa have had what they consider a "cure" I use that loosely here because it has not SCIENTIFIC basis but many have tried ESSIAC tea and had amazing results. There are other somewhat non traditional medicine way as well. A simple device called a Zapper can help general health as well as destroying cells that are cancerous. Here are some links to them, Im not getting paid for them It is just stuff I believe works.
http://www.essiacinfo.org/ and
http://www.drclark.net
Here is a great link on what sugar does to the body. It is astounding and disgusting not to mention very frightening. http://www.healingdaily.com/detoxification-diet/sugar.htm
Like I said IM NOT a scientist but if something makes sense I dont mind trying it.

Now NOT ONLY does sugar contribute to cancer " aggravate asthma, move mood swings, provoke personality changes, muster mental illness, nourish nervous disorders, deliver diabetes, hurry heart disease, grow gallstones, hasten hypertension, and add arthritis. ", and most recently contributes to Alzheimers Go to this link http://olsonnd.com/the-alzheimers-and-sugar-connection/ and scroll down to where it says new Alzheimers discoveries and then the part about Alzheimers sugar connection.

With the American public consuming 135 LBS of sugar a year is it any wonder after reading the links we are in trouble."Because sugar is devoid of minerals, vitamins, fiber, and has such a deteriorating effect on the endocrine system, major researchers and major health organizations (American Dietetic Association and American Diabetic Association) agree that sugar consumption in America is one of the 3 major causes of degenerative disease." ( http://www.healingdaily.com/detoxification-diet/sugar.htm ) Why is it allowed in our diet so prolifically, Smoking kills, alcohol kills SO does SUGAR.

I slipped up big time for Christmas lots of goodies and I can feel the issues it has caused. I am going to go back to my no sugar diet I have 4 kids that need me around and SUGAR is not going to win.

The Beginning

Having had probably the worst year in my short 44 years so far, I have decided to blog about the healing I will be doing, I hope to be doing anyway. 2010 was not the best of years but then it wasn't completely horrible either.
I am going to start by taking a 40 day walk with Christ. A friend of mine gave me this activity a few months back, it was really nice of her but I just wasn't ready to walk with someone I was pretty ticked off at. I mean he took my husband! I have been, what I feel is understandably irritated and angry not only at Him but my husband too. I will go into these feelings more later but suffice it to say there were some pretty rotten feelings there.
I am starting this blog the night before Christmas, why? Well it was to stay awake so I can talk to good ole Santa and help him with the gifts but my sweet 10 year old daughter is having a difficult time getting to sleep SO it will be a pretty long night.
I will give some background about me, I met and married my sweetheart in January of 1987, we traveled a little working but landed finally back home in Utah where we lived for a while and had our first Child a beautiful little girl. Time passed and we moved to Montana where the other 3 of our children were born, boy girl Boy. Work stopped so life got hard and we headed to Arizona for a time, we did not sell our home or rent it out. Arizona was an experience for sure, we go tired of the hustle and bustle and HEAT so in November of 2007 moved back home to Montana. This is when things got crazy. My husband could not find work but did now want to sell our home so he went back to Az for work and we played that game for a while till it got old. He came home to Montana but had a small bit of work in AZ for a family friend offered to him it was only for a couple weeks so he went.
It is true what they Say about the Ides of March bringing bad news. I got a phone call from my Brotherinlaw that My husband of 23 years had been diagnosed with stage four cancer and I needed to get to AZ as soon as I could. I flew out the next day.
Life changes when Cancer hits but this blog is not about Cancer though my experience with it was awful and hopeless as it was stage four melenoma cancer and had metastatized to his brain and lungs and well everywhere and we had NO idea he had it till it was to the end stages. It was just too late.
He died with me holding his hand and his two oldest children, Daughter 18 son 15 next to him, in Arizona at his brothers home. That was truly one of the hardest and most spiritual things I have ever experienced. I may talk about it later but not now.
In September, just a little less than 3 months later my father who was almost 94 suffered a massive hemorrhagic stroke and multiple ischemic strokes which took his life. To say I was devastated would be putting it mildly at the time but I got through it. It is apparently what I do, at least many people have told me how incredibly strong I am, Ha if they only knew.
So with that I bid you adieu for now. Christmas will come and go and I will Blog as the days go by.
Thank you who will read this. I hope it helps someone out there.