January brought a bit of work for Kevin, he was doing a few things for Porters at this time, on an hourly basis, a hotel remodel. Money was good and he SO loved working for them. Porter Brothers Construction of Mesa Az is truly a wonderful company. The owners try to treat their employees like family. February rolled around and Kevins Job there was done. The kids had a fun party life was good, hard at times but good. Kevin came home. We were all so excited to see him! He seemed a little offish but healthy at least the Dr said she wished all her 47 year old patients were in as good a shape as he was. A friend called Kevin left again to AZ, a roof and some things on the farm to do. We were happy, he was going to be able to make our mortgage and bills for another month. School was going well for me I really enjoyed my classes especially my clay class and my anthropology class. Mariah was "the bell of school" well at least her little corner of it. Things seemed to be going along well for her senior year. Forest was integrating, being a freshman is pretty hard to begin with but when your sister is "figgy" theres a little stress there. Aurora was enjoying 4th grad and Dawson was doing very well in first.
I remember when huge eventful things happen, not the day persay but the place I was and what I was doing. Like when the twin towers were hit, I was watching Katie Couric, nursing my sweet little Aurora in the trailer we were living in at the time. When I got the news about my husband I was sitting with some of my class mates discussing our paper, I got the feeling I should call home. I borrowed my friends phone and Mariah told me I needed to call Susan, something was wrong with Dad and Susan was really worried. I did. She explained what was going on, it sounded like he was having a stroke. I told her to just take him to the ER asap. Its so scary when the one you love is having problems and you are 1400 miles away. Susan took off to pick up Kevin and take him to the Hospital. She ran into Kevins brother Ken, told him what was going on, Ken called Kevins friend and Dr. who told him GO to the ER he is having a stroke... Well I wish to God it had been that benign.
I left school and as I was driving home I got the feeling that It was really bad, Kevin was not going to make it. I brushed that off thinking it was just my over active imagination going into overdrive because he wasn't close and I was afraid for him.
It was that bad. Ken called when I got home, I guess he was pretty worried about it, how I would take the news. I dont think I did too bad I'm sure HE might think differently but I clicked into auto pilot, got to get to Kevin, worry about kids later, Mariah can handle things for a couple days... I called Susan and asked her if she would PLEASE help me get down to AZ. She came through got me a ticket the next day and our families lives changed forever. The Ides of March, Bad news day.
I'm not going to go into all the gory details, It hurts too bad, but the long and short of it is, Kevin had stage 4 Melanoma Cancer, it had metastasized and was in his lungs and his brain, 15 at last count. We did everything we could to fight the bastard, but it won. Kevin had blessings telling him it want his time right then, that he would be healed if he believed things like that. Well obviously that didn't happen.
Kevin had a wish to show his parents how much he respected them and honored them, there is quite a strain there and he felt it was important. So we stayed with them for a while in Utah, in May. Mariah was able to come to Utah, school let her off. The little ones had been uprooted and brought to AZ so their uncle and mostly aunt could help me with them since I was only zeroed in on Kevin and how to help him. It was a mothers day I will NEVER forget, It was the day we told the children Daddy was probably going to die. That was truly one of the most horrible and disgusting things we had to do. Hard, horrible but the love, I can not explain the LOVE we felt for each other as we sat on the bed discussing that horrible beast cancer. Ive got to tell you how helpless I felt, I just was not prepared for this type of battle, Kevin and I had been through so much, loss of children, Family members, personal couples issues, Marriage problems and had worked hard to make it though, we love each other so much, we complete the other, the best way for me to describe it is to liken it to a strand of DNA, I was one half he was the other, we were one. Watching that half of me be in pain and loose the things he felt was so important to him, the process of Death and dying I was too young and very scared. I had to put my fear behind me and be strong for Kevin, he was afraid, when the Dr told me he had 3 months or less to live, he was not in the room he did not want to know. Which is good for him he could not have dealt with it very well. I carried that knowledge with me, quietly and I hope stoically, for him. I believe he knew, but he had recently been able to NOT do and think about things that he didnt want to deal with, I think this is part of the tumors. They explain so many things that were off with him the past year, prior to his diagnosis.
I have joked many times that I get 2 husbands the fuzzy bearded one in winter and the clean shaven hansom guy. I can now say with a surety, I have, in a odd way, been able to actually spend a lifetime with my adorable husband as a young strong wonderful man through his many changing faucets I always wanted to grow old together, He aged so, that last 16 weeks of his life. As I look at the photos of him he had wasted away to a 90 year old man. We had always made plans to go on a mission, kidnap the grand kids and take them to Disneyland Travel and win the Archery tournaments he so loved. I feel cheated but so full. He Loved me more in our 23 years of marriage than many people ever feel in a lifetime. Things were not perfect but they were right. I love him, I always will.
As I share a family tradition of banging on pans outside screaming in the new year with my children this year, I will miss him, half of ME is missing. I have to rebuild and put that mess together. It will be a difficult time for me but I think I am up to it. I will need help from him, on the other side, from God, from my friends. Daddy and Mom must be enjoying having him with them, HE did love my parents. I love you Fig, my heart, my soul and my everything. I will carry on and do what I know must be done, I just hope to feel of you now and then, I will join you one day in the far future after God has done with me what needs doing. Im not fighting that anymore, I will go and do.
Here is to a new and amazing year, to experiences and lessons that will be learned. I will see you again. Keep the light on and the hugs coming I need them.
