NO Apology

If we apologize for everything we have ever done we have undermined all that we have ever accomplished. There are times and situations when it is appropriate to step up and admit wrong but NOT when freedom is being threatened. That is a slog through the mud to destruction.
- Marne' Newton

This may be one of the smartest things I have ever come up with.. Today on the anniversary of the terrorist attack on this great nation there are many beautiful pictures with wonderful words but what I do not understand is HOW when there are attacks against Americans around the world, today, our government turns the other way and apologizes to the attackers? I am appalled! I am disgusted!!

Forest helping Dawson

My son wants to be a Marine, he is going to sign up for a delayed entry to join the Reserves in 2 weeks. He is just 17 and wont ACTUALLY join till after graduation but this will give him some good experiences till that time. He will then have a year to get three years, or 5 months of active reserve duty time in, prior to his 2 year DEFERMENT, yup just like Mitt Romney, so he can go on a Mission. He will finish up when he gets home. I was disheartened that it is an 8 year commitment, 3/5 three active 5 inactive reserve ( I still don't have the lingo down yet so that may not be the correct terminology) I am proud of him and also afraid. He is my baby and this is a difficult decision I have to make, because I have to sign him in. MY biggest worry is that he will not be allowed the deferment and because of the current administrations machinations this past 3 1/2 years. I am worried that he will end up waist deep in a war..a night mare for any parent or love one of any service person. I will be praying. This will either make him or break him. (Mommy moment)

Small town respect

I am enjoying school, its a lot of work but it is getting me where I want to be and with Forests choices, I may work with people who have ptsd, the military or such. Don't know but it is now something I am considering.

I will graduate college when he enters boot camp. Heavy heart that is bursting with pride? Such a conflict. I so wish Kevin were here to talk this out with. It is what Forest has wanted for a VERY long time and I know I need to let him walk his path, I just wanted it to be a little safer one. I pray God helps me to do the right thing by him, he is such a great young man! Against so many difficulties he has turned out to be pretty fabulous and I admire him for the decisions he has made in his life. Crazy thing is he may get his EAGLE AWARDED after he is in basic..It is SO hard to let them grow up sometimes..

Just another day in paradise

Well everyone seems to get their 10 seconds of fame now and then, guess this qualifies as mine.. MY name is in the paper... HEE HEE,, So funny. Not even my home town paper. . . but hey its there for posterity right? Its for that wreath I entered last minute in the fair this year.

Well things have been going good. Went to Utah and had some fun there. Dads place is under contract, X fingers hoping it all goes through fine, so we went and got out the stuff we needed, well ok wanted.. A bedroom set, some tools a snow blower and welding stuff Forest will be able to use. Not a huge amount of things but meaningful to me. What Mike Shaffer did to dads house is just amazing beautiful craftsmanship and the tile work is fantastic.

We went to Lagoon while we were there got a family picture, its weird not having Kevin in it and Mariah is with Jacob now so that's difficult but this is my family.. 

We took one last year with all of us but Kevin. I still haven't seen it Mariah has it, the stinker... 


We all had fun as you will be able to see as soon as I get the picts back. I will post them. These are from our fun family photo shoot at Pioneer village in Lagoon..

The kids were against it initially but really did get into the swing of things toward the end. . . 


I really do feel like its them against me sometimes, and no they don't hold a gun to my face but they do gang up on me the little rotters..


WARNING:BAD ATTITUDE BELOW:WARNING

I find myself not wanting to DO anything right now, pretty apathetic about life. I get up do the on line school work but that's about all I'm interested in.
I need to get less blah and actually DO laundry, clean the house, cook meals. I know its partly depression and partly frustration, hey that sounds like a song in there some how.. But I do have some plans. I want to get my Shower in my room, I have it all planned out just need that darned money to do it. Its gonna be purdy when its done. 

I have a guy coming to clean up and redo my back yard area, its a mess. Thanks septic installer guy, he was supposed to back fill it and grade it make it look good then seed but he left huge piles of crap and didn't do squat. Kevin was going to fix it but that's not happening now.

I also want to get my deck on so I can enjoy it, even in the winter, I like to grill and haven't for a long time cause well I don't have a grill right now or a deck, but I am looking forward to it when its done too. Have lots of gonnas when the money is there.

WARNING ITS A WORSER BAD ATTITUDE BELOW WARNING

I am sick of just hanging out around the house, YES there is a lot I could do but I'm on strike and don't wanna.. WAAA WAAA I know, ya big crybaby, just do it.

I need some motivation I guess. My get up and go laid down and DIED. It will get better I know it I just need to keep pluggin along.

I think my biggest problem is I HATE this house, Ok maybe that is too strong a word but it is not a house I ever wanted to live in. It is a beautiful home just not what I want so . ,  ME being who I am thinks about what I do want.
Still, I'm grateful for what I have, don't get me wrong, there are just some not so great memories in this house and I want to start over.

LOVE the probate process, it should not take this long but I just am not made of money so it is, THAT is depressing too. WOW this is really turning into a crybaby post but too bad, its how I feel this lovely Labor day.

Well rather than depress the heck out of those few of you who follow this, I'm going to go and DO something maybe I will actually cook breakfast today. Gonna find something fun to go walk to and do today.

Sigh, I remember….

I remember this day with you my love,                        

Our hike up the canyons, the stream we crossed

Your steady steps across the log, my wobbles.

I remember your hand there to steady me

Catch me close, your strength, your love

I remember the climb up the trail,

Your journey to the top of the mountain.

I stayed below to watch, marvel and encourage.                                                     

I saw the yearning as you looked to the Heavens                           Both of us searching for a miracle.                                                                                                  I remember
Sitting at your bedside holding your hand
Lending you my strength, my arms, my mind           Watching you at the end of your journey

Loving you, 
       encouraging you.                                
            Praying you didn't have to leave

Your Journey here ended
with me staying behind, 
                                   To care for our children, 
                                                            prepare, 
                                                             so in time

                    
 I can cross from this world, wobbly

Your hand there to catch me close

        Your strength, your love . . .  YOU

STILL Love and                                          Miss you Kevin, 

                                         Ne’ 4-25-2012

School is just around the corner, I start before the kids! I am so excited to be on the down hill side of my Bachelors degree.
Have a lot going on, may have sold my dads place! YEAH! I have to go down this week to get whats left there so I can be done in Utah. That will be a load off for sure. I will be able to get my house here in MT finshed finally, then I can sell it next year. I am still going through probate, its not a long process but you do have to have money to do it, that is in short supply.

I am trying to decide if I can do my homeless huts, I have an idea that I dont seem to be able to get rid of so Im thinking that God wants me to do this. I want a nice sized piece of land about 10-20 acres so I can do this. I found these adorable dome homes that are amazingly insulated and would be perfect for family's.

I have found that most homeless shelters dont allow for families, most allow for women and children or just men. I dont see how that helps families get back on their feet. I see it pulling family's apart when they need to have each others love and support.

I am looking at applying for grants for this soon, just want to know HOW to write a grant. DO have a workshop coming up that should help with that. Here is hoping.

I want to have 5 to start out, they are not huge but a family could easily live in one of the "hobbit houses" Id eventually like to have 10 of them.   http://curvedbydesign.ca/    I am also wanting tent spaces and possibly some RV spaces as well, kind of thinking a communal type thing where everyone helps out and helps each other, Community meetings etc to help each other. IF we can do that, like it was prior to this selfish me me me era I think we will be able to achieve something great! I am sure there will be a learning curve but I look forward to it. If I can get it going!

Want to go to Glacier NP soon, its such a beautiful place need to take the camera and get some shots and the kids need to go DO something besides play video games..

Just a last thought about probate, it is a mess to go through this, wills are important no matter how old you are, just having 2 peoples signatures versify most wills and you can get them on line for free in may cases, IT IS SO WORTH IT. 

I am selling 2 burial plots on Craigs List, with my half of the money Im getting my funeral all paid for. When my parents did that and gave me it as a present for my 17th birthday, I thought it icky but do appreciate it so much. I do not want to leave my kids with that expense or stress. Kevin's Funeral was a bit over 4 grand and we got a casket for free and his boss paid to have him sent to Montana from AZ, add those expenses and its more than 6K.. NOT good.  It may seem a bit morbid but we are all gonna do it so why not plan what we want and NOT burden our children?

This N That

WOW time flies when life comes at you fast..

Well I graduated from the community college and have been enrolled in the University of Montana, Im working towards that Social Work degree.

Been an interesting ride so far and am actually looking forward to what new things are to come.

Mariah has been married a little over a year now and is a very happy wife.

Aurora turned 12 and entered the young womens program just in time to go to Girls camp for the first time, she had fun.

Forest went on a 5 day Boy Scout camp and seems to have had fun. He enjoyed the patches he worked on and the talks and getting to know his leaders better, He turned 17 today!

We went to the fair, saw the animals and the little ones went crazy on the rides, Aurora threw up on one! So it was a good thing! hee hee,. I must do a little bragging here. On a whim I entered a Ceramic wreath I had made while in my pottery class at FVCC it took best of show and first place. I also won a second place ribbon for a gluten free angel food cake!  Pretty good I think.

Yesterday we lost an important member of our family, Well not really but Dawsons favorite pants got murderated so we had to have a funeral for them, no really we did. We cremated his pants. It was rather moving and yes a little funny but he was really sad. The kids and I also got the opportunity to do a little work, I went with them and we put up some cedar fencing slats. They worked pretty hard and I felt they needed that experience.

The last part of this posting is, I'm ticked at whoever decided to steal my axles! yes TWO axles were stolen I needed those! I was going to put them on my trailer tomorrow and now because someone was a dishonest jerk I am not able to.. Stupid end for a good day at the fair!!

Christmas Mishmash

My 40 day walk didnt go so well. My only thoughts on that are that I walk each day with the hope that the Lord is near. Ive never done well at keeping a journal so from here on out, and because I really am super busy with school, Kids and life I will post as I can. Maybe that will help me post more, strange as it seems if I dont feel pressued to do it I tend to do it more. WEIRD I know but there you are.

Much has happened in life on this journey. School is going well it was finals week and I THINK I did ok. Im worried about my math class but the others Im feeling ok about.

I have started to write letters to Kevin now and then, some are angry some are sappy. I am really surprised at how effective that seems to be. I learned about it while in a therapy session with my son and also through the classes I am taking at FVCC.

I am very interested in a couple areas, EMDR therapy fascinates me. The more I learn the more I want to do this. I am also loving the idea of ART therapy though getting a degree in that is a HUGE undertaking Im not sure I am up for right now. will see. I have this semester then I should be able to start my Bachelors program. Im crossing my fingers. I still want to move from here, too many glum days, back to Hamilton area. I have had people ask me why there and my response is I have friends there and Kevin is buried there. It has gotten me thinking though, really is that the ONLY reason I want to move back to Hamilton? I really CAN move anywhere I want to Both parents are gone, my sister is happy in Oregon, My oldest is married and happy in her life. I have 3 children now and hmm ya know BELIZE or NEW Zealand looks good to.. Maybe when I graduate and have my degree I can do that but for now THIS is where I am. (BIG SIGH)

Have had people asking me about getting remarried, umm NOT. I am enjoying getting to know me again. But they keep on asking so I finally came up with an answer so I am posting it for anyone who cares, OK so IF, I were to do that I have a pretty specific list of demands, not wants but demands. OK so here goes. HE must be tall, say 6'6 ish, lots of black hair, Eye color is not important to me as long as they are honest and beautifully expressive. WEALTH is good. I want to travel a lot and see stuff. Healthy in MIND and BODY, I want to be able to go dancing and walking and hiking for fun and riding bikes and MOTORCYCLES too. (I am working on becoming thinner so these activities will be much more enjoyable) That he cooks is great and it is especially important that he LOVES my kids not in a creepy way either.. THAT is very important to me. I also want him to be understanding of my faults and love me enough to help us work thorough things. Being LDS is paramount as well. OK SO IF YOU KNOW THIS GUY send him my what.. It wouldn't hurt if he thinks bigger women are sexy either!!! at least till I slim down (HERES HOPING FOR THE SLIMMING) You would think I am asking for the impossible right,, well maybe I am.

Like I said, I am enjoying getting to know ME again, it is an interesting process. One of the things I am finding out is that there is actually some wisdom in me, I was surprised to find it. I was happy to find it too. I guess my dad was right, kudos daddy, patience is very important with it you will find out many things... HMM... Im not Buddha for sure but there are things that just strike me sometimes.. SO with the advent of Face book (FB) I have a place to put some of my thoughts out there.. Its kinda fun cause it is quasi anonymous and I really enjoy the comments and feed back. the following is a post I placed on FB, I have one friend on FB who was lds but is now an atheist and he sure works hard to shove his opinions around. I have others who are not LDS, this is good having others input helps to create questions that I then go and study out till I am satisfied. It really helps my testimony of the GOSPEL grow.

The much heated debate about Christmas causes so much strife, it is true that the Romans would commit a planned murder each Dec 25th at the end of the celebration of Saturnis a holiday of lawlessness, and that many awful and horrid crimes against humanity have been perpetrated on Dec 25th. A day chosen to commemorate the birth of an innocent child, one sent to heal the horrors of the past, to bring love and kindness, hope and joy into a world of chaos and pain. Many ask if you know about the real christmas. To them I would say, I do. DO you? Christmas, circa 2011, is NOT about Hate, Prejudice, evil, sadness, or selfishness. Christmas now, in the time WE live is what WE CHOOSE to make it. You can not live in the past, you can learn from it, You can not change the past, and you do not have to repeat it, You can never go back but you can strive to make THIS day and the future better by the actions YOU take, by the choices YOU make. Glancing back at our past is indeed necessary so we can learn how not to do the horrible things again and can continue to improve on the good things done. SO my question is simple DO you know what Christmas is? Please post what Christmas means to you.

I sure hope that 2012 turns out to be a wonderful year for my family. Id like to see, my dads place sell for more than its listed for, my house sell for what I need and school to go well. I would like to see Forest become a happier young man and enjoy starting college. I hope to be a better mother, student and be able to get a much better paying and steady job with benefits that will allow me to grow and learn so that I may get promotions and make more money so I can create the Homeless shelter I want to build. SO That is my thoughts for today, close to the end of the year.... Will try to do better as the year progresses...

Long road

Been so busy, haven't had lots of time to blog but now things have calmed down and I'm gonna do what I can to catch yall up.

My daughter became engaged in February just after my trip to Vegas,which was so much fun, I saw the Blue man group, Cirque de Solie's O, and the body exhibit all of which were amazing and I enjoyed having my friend go with me.

My youngest daughter was in a play.

School has been going along ok, and the plans for the wedding that was supposed to be in July were progressing just fine until,,, I got the notice that the date had been moved to APRIL 21st, I was not prepared for that. Not that I didn't think they were right for each other just that the time frame for having all the fun stuff was shut down. No showers, no fun mom and daughter time doing things for the wedding it was all just slammed down to NOPE we are doing this NOW.

SO, Ok I either be a complainer and make the process a pain or I be the loving mom and support the decision. I chose to be supportive. They decided to have the wedding sooner for what ever reason, that's ok. The Temple was amazing and the sealing was truly beautiful, they are still going to have the reception in July, on the 2nd when its near that holiday, so people can come up for it. I guess they put a bit of thought into that and its a good thing, different from what is the norm now, but it will be ok and work out just fine.

Been called to teach in Relief society, its interesting and I enjoy it. Im stressing school a little but thats pretty normal. I do have good days and bad days where I am fine with Kevins loss but other days and moments in days, I have a quick cry because my friend and love is gone and all the things we should be doing together I must do alone now. Is it bad, I guess in many ways it is but in others its not, hes here with me, I just don't get to discuss things with him like before in the WAY I have before, I do still talk to him. I miss that, I didnt want to discuss things with him all the time when he was alive but not having that option is something I miss.

I found out I only have about 5 classes left and I will have my 2nd associates degree, in SW and I will be able to transfer to Missoula to complete the program there. I'm hoping to have it done so I can get a job in time to make up the difference when Kevin's SSI runs out on Forest in 3 years. God has really blessed me and my family with so much.

Being as today is Easter I have such hopes and a testimony of the resurrection, I will see my sweet heart again, be able to hug, hold and enjoy him when that time comes. It is a comfort and a strength for me each day. I still have so much to work on and so many things I should be doing right but continue to mess up on. Im grateful that God and Jesus Christ has given me the opportunities I am receiving to do the things I need to to return to them all.

I had the opportunity to go to Helena to the Archie Bray, the ceramic mecca of the USA, it was fun and interesting. My instructor encouraged me to try to get involved in the summer program there, I wish I could but with the kids and all I dont know how I could ever do that, I am happy doing the Ceramics I am doing, I hope to get some machines to make things and maybe sell a few things at the Farmers Market in Hamilton when I get moved there, on Gods time when he sees that things are right, I still need to get stuff done on the house and get it sold. Yeah!

Day 15
The Sacrament "Young Women Value Experiences and Projects."
Young women Personal Progress: Standing As a Witness of God, 11-74

Learn more about the sacrament, Read about the Last Supper in Matthew 26:26-28, Mark 14:22-24, and Luke 22:17-20.

Establish a pattern of pondering during the sacrament by listening carefully to the sacrament hymn and prayers. Thing about why we partake of the bread and water. Record in your journal some of the promises you make as you partake of the sacrament and remember your baptismal covenants.

Got to say this is pretty hard with kids. I do try but inevitably Dawson has to stand up and play with something even when he has nothing to play with, Aurora shushes him Forest tries to forcibly make his sit and or stop so I have to referee. Its tough to have the spirit. However, now and then I get to have a wonderfully spiritual experience while taking the sacrament, It hasn't been often I will admit, but when It happens its is a truly amazing feeling of love warmth and acceptance. I'm trying to get the kids to sit quietly through the Sacrament. I'm trying to figure out what I did differently with Forest, Aurora and Dawson that they wont sit quietly my only thought is we decided that taking Mariah out in to the hall and beating her but was not Christ like in any way shape or form but SHE has usually been good about sitting still for the sacrament at the very least usually the entire meeting. I so failed at that with my other 3 kids. I would recommend teaching them as soon as possible to sit still for half an hour at that time sure makes the experience much more spiritual. I guess it is going to take a bit of time to get this particular day of the walk down.

I went to town today and went to my Art club meeting I found out that....

Day 16
Repentance
"Young Women Value Experiences and Projects,"
Young Women Personal Progress: Standing as Witnesses of God, 11-74
(Scroll to #4 It has the scriptures below linked.)

Read about repentance in Isaiah 1:18, Alma 26: 22, 34: 30-35, Moroni 8:25-26 and D&C 19:15-20, 58: 42-43.

Study the Process of repentance, Pray for guidance to apply the principles of repentance to your life today.
Record your thoughts in your journal and share them in a Family Home Evening.

Day 14 Self Reliance

Day 14:
Self Reliance
Read the Pamphlet All is safely gathered in.
"organize yourselves; Prepare every needful thing, and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting a house of faith an house of learning, a house of glory a house of order and a house of God."
D&C 109:8
How can Provident Living bring us closer to our Savior? In what ways would you like to live more providently?

I cannot tell you how much this has saved my butt in the past and NOW. We definitely have used our food storage. I have a very strong testimony of this particular "commandment". I really have nothing more to say on the matter. Except DO IT!

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I made this really weird looking pot, Its triangular has prayer like fingers coming out of one side, Buddha popping out of one side that has rifle shell relief on it, the third side has a duck call and a small pistol on it. The spout is part of a duck call. Ill try to post some pictures of my Ceramics with a link so you can go see them if you are interested. It will be in the future but I ll get it done.
Today was exciting in many ways. I got my settlement check from an accident I was in last year. I'm excited. I paid off the work I had done to the truck, Paid my vehicle insurance for another 6 months. gonna pay my house insurance for a year. Paid my Daughters Clarinet rental off. Gonna be able to get some dental work done, that's gonna take a pretty big chunk. I get to go see the eye doctor, wondering about surgery but will probably just get glasses and contacts again. Both of these are going to be huge chunks of the money. I am going to go do the HCG again I was pleased with the results last time I'm hoping for better this time. I am going to be able to go to Vegas for my Birthday. I'm hoping to go see the Blue man group, Maybe Lion king, Go on a Night time Helicopter ride, which scares the bejeebies out of me, Maybe a spa treatment. I don't know but am going with my friend Mickie and am excited to just go have some fun. I am needing to unwind. I'm pretty wound up I guess, I get itchy when I get stressed and I'm itchy its annoying. The kids will get some clothes. Me too. I will have to buy a new pellet stove cause I think mine is dieing.
My house goes on the market soon. I have a few things I need to buy to get it done. Just trim and some rock work, I found some cool rock siding I might use will have to see how much it is compared to other stuff. Once that is done I think the house will sell quickly, the only thing it is missing is a back deck and I think who ever buys it would like to put one on of their design anyway. It will look amazing I'm sure.
At the ceramics lab today I made a few more molds, the instructor, David Smith, (this is pretty funny actually as I know another David Smith who lives in Hamilton) suggested we make a mold for bowls or plates. I want to do that because Id like to have a cool set and the method he is suggesting would make them so easy to create. I'm excited about it. I want to make a bunch of molds so I can make a bunch of sets, I LOVE dishes! I went to Pier one and found some great textures, The dollar store too has fun things to make textures out of. If I had my way I would have plate sets for every holiday and all kinds of fun reasons. Its an addiction I got from my mother so MOM I blame you for this one! He, David Smith, was mentioning that he would like to make services that are designed just for special cooked dishes, desserts or fish or sushi or such. I think that is an amazing Idea and want to do that too. How fun for a dish addict! I have to go in tomorrow to make molds and do some more paying for stuff. I'm going to join the art club and go to the Archie Bray, That is exciting. I'm hoping to find some cool fun patterning and molding things to buy in Nevada. Should find some interesting things there. I'm really wanting a ELK head I need one for Kevin's Headstone. Dave told me he would help me with it. I hope he will remember that. I have the headstone all designed in my head, it has 2 Elk, a buck with a cow snuggled under his neck coming out of the front of the stone, on the left under the buck is Kevon's information on the right mine, There is a carving of Silver Lake in Utah, where he loved to go walking, around the information. It looks cool in the drawing I hope it works in the stone. I think we will have to mold it and pour, something like faux granite counter top stuff, in the mold so it will weather well. OK I'm done for tonight have to go to bed so I can get up in the AM and be the adult, clean the house and run to town to play with clay and go to the art club meeting at noon.

Day 15
The Sacrament "Young Women Value Experiences and Projects."
Young women Personal Progress: Standing As a Witness of God, 11-74

Learn more about the sacrament, Read about the Last Supper in Matthew 26:26-28, Mark 14:22-24, and Luke 22:17-20.

Establish a pattern of pondering during the sacrament by listening carefully to the sacrament hymn and prayers. Thing about why we partake of the bread and water. Record in your journal some of the promises you make as you partake of the sacrament and remember your baptismal covenants.

Becoming Whole Day 13

Day 13
Becoming Whole
Merril J Bateman., "ThePower to Heal from Within." Ensign, May 1995, Pg 14.

The Savior’s atonement in the garden and on the cross is intimate as well as infinite. Infinite in that it spans the eternities. Intimate in that the Savior felt each person’s pains, sufferings, and sicknesses. Consequently, he knows how to carry our sorrows and relieve our burdens that we might be healed from within, made whole persons, and receive everlasting joy in his kingdom. May our faith in the Father and the Son help each of us to become whole.

I read the whole article, I found comfort in some things Id like to quote;

1. " To be meaningful, life must be more than the ephemeral pleasures of youth. There must be a plan. Death, even if accidental, must be part of the plan. Developing faith in and coming to know one’s Maker is at the core of the plan. Having hope with regard to one’s eternal destiny and experiencing joy must also be part of life’s purpose."
A young man who was killed in a tragic accident is mentioned in this article. Something I had thought of often was said, He, the young man, Kevin in my case, lost all he knew when he died, all he was familiar with HERE. We lost him. We still have things that are familiar. The thought that Kevin was alone was so short, the feeling and thought literally slammed into me that NO, he is HOME, he KNOWS us. He has so many loved ones here to help him and show him around that even though he does miss and love you he is OK. The Peace that I felt was not only immediate but washed over me like a warm comforting shower.

2. "Death teaches that we do not experience a fullness of joy in mortality and that everlasting joy can be achieved only with the assistance of the Master."
I believe that Death is an event we live through, (thank you Bruce Ive stolen that quote) We continue on and grow even in the eternities line upon line and precept upon precept. I find that the bits of Joy I am graced with daily are so wonderful that like a really yummy piece of chocolate, Its best in small pieces, I treasure them, Look forward to them and feast upon the sweetness of it letting it melt into my soul where I can remember it and treasure the moments.

3. "Through Christ, broken hearts are mended and peace replaces anxiety and sorrow."

I think that I do have anxiety about the future and of course I have sorrow but as I deal with each day learning that I can do things, I can make decisions and I can continue to live life without him, as I feel the love of the Savior, and yes I still feel Kevin's spirit, that anxiety is lessening.

4. "Whatever the source of pain, Jesus understands and can heal the spirit as well as the body." There are many kinds of pain, loosing a loved one is tremendous but I can imagine that loosing yourself would be awful. Loosing your faith and the belief that God lives and loves us would be devastating. I can not and do not want to imagine that sort of loss. GOD plays such an important role in my life, NOW more than ever. Its strange how LOSS brings him closer to you. Having a broken heart allows him entrance when nothing else will. I have felt SO much outpouring of love since Kevin died, from people here on earth, especially when I was in Arizona, SO many I did not know. Here in Montana when it comes up, and I'm surprised just how often it does, I receive kind words from people. I have found, oddly enough I think, that these moments are teaching moments for me, times when I am easily able to share a gospel message of Eternal companions and the Sealing power of the Temple. It surprises the people I'm speaking with and allows me to reaffirm a belief I not only hold dear but look forward to in the future fulfilling. Its a comfort.

Becoming Whole is a process it won't be something I can do in a night, week or probably a month. It is important to me and I want to grow spiritually and in ways that the Lord can use me as I know he has planned. I'm coming to realize that missing my sweetheart is OK, when I see him again, when the time is right and he comes to get me, our reunion will be so sweet and poignant, amazing. Ive got a lot to learn and do here, He has stuff he is doing there. We will be together again I know it.

Day 14:

Self Reliance
Read the Pamphlet All is safely gathered in.
"organize yourselves; Prepare every needful thing, and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting a house of faith an house of learning, a house of glory a house of order and a house of God."

D&C 109:8
How can Provident Living bring us closer to our Savior? In what ways would you like to live more providently?

40 days walk Day 12 and What I did on my anniversary this year.

I went to the ceramics lab on my anniversary, I make hands for my sculpture, I used Kevins hand mold I had made. I also went to see "True Grit" it was ok, I wasn't overly impressed with it. I headed home to Missionary night. Mariah had made Elk steak and fed them, she thought she might have over salted the meat but they didn't complain. We talked for a while, said good bye to Elder Carlson, he goes home this week to St. Anthony Idaho. They left. We went to bed.

IT has been so cold here lately, we seem to be on a weird cycle. It was warmish but this morning it was in the negatives. Its -8 right now, my pellet stove cant get the house warm enough today.

Went to Church yesterday, it was nice. RS we had sister Frandsen from the Stake come and teach. We also got a yummy treat, Brownies and eclairs, Nuts and a drink. The RS president kept all the kids and men out so we could enjoy it. It was a nice thing they did. Mariah went to Kylas again, after church. Probably wont see her till Tuesday.

While I was at Ceramics lab a friend called. She was concerned about me today. To say I was surprised would be good. I didnt know this particular friend cared that much about me. Don't get me wrong here, she is an amazing woman but has had some pretty tough things going on in her life the past few years culminating in a divorce, remarriage and all that baggage that comes with it. I was flattered that she took time, to not only think about me, but to call me to let me know she cared. I needed that love very much and SHE called. My sister sent me a beautiful Internet card and I got a text from my Brother in law. Ok enough updating.

Lets go for that walk now:

Day 12
In the footsteps of the Savior.
Lesson 42: Howard W Hunter: "In the Footsteps of the Savior," The Presidents of the Church: Teachers manual, 201
Read Matthew 8:23-27
President Hunter taught that if we "fix our eyes on Jesus, we too might... remain 'un-terrified amid the rising winds of doubt'".
(Ensign, Nov. 1992, Pg 19

What things can we do daily to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus Christ?

"We must know Christ better than we know him; we must remember him more often than we remember him; we must serve him more valiantly than we serve him."
(Howard W, Hunter, What manner of men ought ye be, Ensign, May 1994, p.64)

I have friends who are atheist, they try hard to get me to see the error of my ways. Some of them were LDS growing up. They tell me about the science behind everything and they are right. Science is amazing it has so many wonderful things it is teaching us. IT changes, NEW discovery's are being found all the time overturning current belief's.
Does our understanding of Christ change? Mine grows each day with this walk and in many other ways. I am lucky enough to know an amazing man who is involved deeply in many amazing research projects, some his others for the Church. One, not for the Church, that he was recently brought in on, is a new set of Dead Sea Scrolls that is being brought to light, sold, by someone who has had them for years but now wants the world to have them. I'M excited for the information in them and the accompanying "papers" to come to light. IT will Change the way the world views Christianity, At least that is what he has said. It will rock our world and I welcome this.

I have been told that, since I have never actually seen God I can't prove he exists. To this I would say, so a blind man can't see, can he prove there are clouds? I have not had a heavenly meeting with my Father in Heaven or my Brother for that matter but I have SEEN my husband since he has died. Have SEEN how beautiful he is, heard his voice, felt his love.
There are many things I just KNOW but don't have proof they are and for ME that is fine. Physical Proof is not what Religion is all about anyway. It is about Faith, Hope and LOVE. I Love the Lord, I don't always do everything I should, but I try to do good each day. I believe that our hearts, our character, is the only thing we get to take with us when we leave this earthly realm and it is THAT character, that determines our place in heaven. If we are happy just getting there then that will be enough for us, If we strive to do more to be more to achieve a God like love, we will be rewarded in ways we can not even imagine. The Bible has had many translations, Wonderful things have been lost, Books have been removed and stories that can not be found added, Constantine wanted peace and knew that he could only obtain that by getting all the various religious belief systems of his time to come together and create a single belief. He did that with the Nicene creed. It did bring peace for a time. It also wrought great change and a loss of many amazing and wonderful teachings. Things that are being found today by science, archeology, and a myriad of other ways including Prophetic Revelation. The bible states that God is the same yesterday, today and forever. If that is true, why? Oh ,why would he get rid of Prophets? Revelation? NO THAT is a precept of man. I know the Savior lives and is there for us if we but ask for help. It may not be HOW or WHEN we want it. WE need to look within ourselves and ask, AM I doing ALL I can, not all I want to, but ALL I CAN to get answers. When the answer comes we need to realize it IS the answer. That can be a difficult thing to accept. Sometimes the answer is no, or YOU CAN do this without divine intervention. GOD loves us and wants us home, just as we love our children. Sometimes they need to learn on their own without us interfering. Some lessons are just not learned any other way.
The LDS CHURCH is a way of life, hard for many. It has traditions that seem odd at times, they are not of God but man, The GOSPEL is true, the Church is not the Gospel. I think sometimes we forget that because of all the amazing things the LDS Church does. WE need to be able to let go of the foolishness that MAN brings and hold fast to the Iron Rod of the Gospel or we can be thrown here and there tossed into the fray of man and loose our way. Saying that I do believe that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saint has the most true church on the earth today. The GOSPEL is true. We need to but live by the laws God and his son have place for us and we can return to him again.

Day 13
Becoming Whole
Merril J Bateman., "ThePower to Heal from Within." Ensign, May 1995, Pg 14.

The Savior’s atonement in the garden and on the cross is intimate as well as infinite. Infinite in that it spans the eternities. Intimate in that the Savior felt each person’s pains, sufferings, and sicknesses. Consequently, he knows how to carry our sorrows and relieve our burdens that we might be healed from within, made whole persons, and receive everlasting joy in his kingdom. May our faith in the Father and the Son help each of us to become whole.

24 Years today

Today my post is an photo display of my husband and myself, our wedding and a few other pictures. I miss him and love him more than I can express. I'm not crying everyday or being depressed I just miss his smell, his touch, his presence in my life, Today especially. I am giving myself permission to cry all day if I want to, Movies are on the agenda, I don't know what else but will post later.

I decided to start out with one of my favorite pictures of him, It was shot when our announcement photos were being taken and I think its just about CUTE!
Then Im going to start at the end, taking you back to the beginning.

It really does suck, It sucks out the life from your very soul. Not just your loved ones but anyone around who loved them is affected.

Below: Kevin had a goal to go to Mariahs High School Graduation in Montana, He made it.

It was a difficult trip but he loves her and it was important to him. His Best friend Eric is the Grey you see in the lower Right Hand Corner of the Picture. He and his wife drove from Billings to Lakeside and Eric owns a casket company, he gave us Kevins casket when he died. The blanket, My sister and her daughter and Grand children made for Kevin. I still have it. It is a fight to get it as EVERY one of the kids wants DADS blanket to cuddle in.

Above:^ This is when he was in the Huntsman Cancer hospital.


He loved to Hike his canyon, this is the last hike he went on It was a beautiful day. As I think back on it he said "This just might be my last walk in the forest, Lets go together". It is close to where he proposed to me.


The 24th of July in Utah, 2009. We figure he probably had cancer at this time but we did not know.

Christmas 2009. Gotta love his Elmer Fudd hat. He sure did!








Silver Lake Utah, Kevin loved to walk around up there when he was visiting or working in Utah.



Our Four beautiful Children, enjoying time with DAD! Back to Front is Dawson Piled on Mariah Piled on Daddy, hes the one with the beard, Aurora piled on Daddy and Forest in Dads hat in the front. I think they are watching T.V but am not sure. Jethro is the dog. Kevin LOVEs him so much and now he is playing with him all the time.










Kevin and I went through 8 Pregnancies, 4 beautiful children here on earth, 5 in Heaven, One at about 7 1/2 months (turners Syndrome) One at around 5 months ( no skull had developed, every thing else was there) 2 of them so early I had barely found out. And one was with Aurora but didnt grow after 4 months. So Kevin is up in heaven with what I believe is 5 children, My belief is that they are helping him, and welcomed him home, Im guessing hes pretty busy.


Our Honeymoon was spent in Idaho and Florida. He surprised me with a week long Disney world trip! We had SO much fun. We were sealed in the Salt Lake Temple 24 Years ago on January 28th 1987. I was late, because half way there I realized I had forgotten my Temple recommend, I gave him a little scare he was on time, and never let me forget it....

I will end with a photo that depicts our love, US the way it will be again when God says "Marne' its time to come home," and I WILL see Kevin again, I know he is well, he is amazing, I have seen it and I know he is working hard to build a place for us, after all he too was a carpenter.
I love you Fig.

Day 11 and what happens when you dont listen to the adults.

Had a long day at school yesterday. When I called my daughter to come get me, she told me there had been a little incident at her friends house with her friends, sister in laws dog. Knowing that this dog is a pit bull I instantly became concerned and asked "who got bit?" She informed me that my 8 year old had but, out of love for her friends family informed me that "he sort of had it coming though." She had told him not to annoy the dog. I was still concerned. "Where did he get bit", I asked. "Oh on the lip", I was told. "Just come and get me", I told her.

She pulled up to the front of the art building and I got in the truck, I took one look at his lip, and decided we needed to head to the Dr. well, being as it was about 6PM, we ended up in the ER. I couldn't clean it in the truck, and no I didnt think to take him in the art building and try. It was still bleeding after about 45 minutes and I was slightly concerned about it because it was the size of a fat crayon. I couldnt tell and didnt have sterile supplies to check and see if it was a tear, split or piercing. I could see it wasnt through the lip into the mouth, but couldnt tell if it was through the outside of the lip. It turned out to be just a split and a bit of his lip was peeled off, the Dr. told him to keep licking it and sent us on our way. No anti biotics or anything. WHEW...

BUT the rest of the story goes like this, my son had walked by the dog a couple times, his sister and others had warned him away he hadn't touched her. The dog was walking by, I think, my 8 year old put out his hand to pet her on her behind and she bit him. He ended up with a harrowing story to tell, a cool model airplane from "grand pa mike" and got his older sisters undivided attention for a while.

The young lady who's dog it was, well she was very apologetic and sad because she realized that having children, (her and her husband do not have any yet, ) was not going to be possible if they kept the dog. Which is really sad because the dog is loved very much and up until this incident was an amazing pet. I'm hoping the police don't choose to destroy her. She had come from a home where she was mistreated but this couple have been so good to her and been training her with love and wrestling with her to hopefully curb her instinct to bite. Shes good with adults but not kids apparently.

It's really too bad, but I am SO glad I have Medicaid for my son. Thus the reason for not posting last night I was wiped out by the time we got home.

I went in today, to my schools ceramics lab to work. I just love ceramics, it is a cathartic experience for me. I can beat the snot out of some clay then make a cool thing out of it. A friend posted a cool and fun "to do" on Face book, if you click Like then the first 5 people will get a HAND made Item from the person posting within the year. I did that 2X, for a couple reasons: 1, It sounded fun. and 2, I make so much stuff in my Ceramics class I just cant keep it. I usually just toss stuff out, this way it can go to someone else and if they don't like it they toss it. I feel better cause I got to make it and give it away.

I worked on a oil bottle yesterday. Today I worked on a pot that ended up with 3 faces on it, A cup with a rooster, eggs and horses on it and a cup with a mustang on it. I have to have 6 done by Thursday of Next week. I'm also working on a sculpture for the LDS Churches, International art contest this year, it is due in April, well a photo is, If I make the first cut, It will go to SLC and be in a show. If it wins there it could be 500$ that I would use to offset the trip to SLC to deliver and set it up and the Church will have it on display for a while. I think that would be cool. SO I just decided to jump out of my comfort zone and go for it. OK now lets go Walk with God.

Day 11 ties into day 10 in some ways.

Through Christ we can be cleansed of sin.

Preach my Gospel Pages 60-61

( GO to Page 74 on the Toolbar when you get to the link.)

Otherwise I have posted most of it below.

God sent His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, into the world so that all of God’s children would have the possibility of returning to live in His presence after they die. Only through the Savior’s grace and mercy can we become clean from sin so that we can live in our Heavenly Father’s presence. Becoming clean from sin is being healed spiritually (3 Nephi 9:13, 18:32).

I know this, I studied on it a bit and as I understand it Grace is the gift it cant be taken away, Mercy is what Jesus does for us when we accept him and become baptized in his name though they work together they are separate. We must be cleansed of sin, what ever that may be to live with God. Nothing unclean can dwell with him.

Because of Christ’s Atonement and Resurrection, all people will be brought back into the presence of the Lord to be judged according to their works and their desires (2 Nephi 9:10-16, Helaman 14:15-18 3 Nephi 27:14-22 D&C 137:9 ).

This after they are judged, Christs MERCY is in effect then. That old saying only "God knows" and "its what is in your heart" is applicable. I have however wondered if just thinking a good thing is the same as actually doing it. Well duh doing it is much better if you have the ability to do so. That part of the whole thing still puzzles me I guess. Hmm...

We will be judged according to the laws of justice and mercy. Justice is the unchanging law that brings consequences for actions—blessings for obedience to God’s commandments and penalties for disobedience. We all commit sin. Sin makes us unclean, and no unclean thing can live in God’s presence (1 Nephi 10:21 3 Nephi 27:19 Moses 6:57 ).
Mercy cannot rob justice, and if there is no law there is no God. That's pretty clear.

The Savior satisfied the demands of justice for those who repent of their sins and

endeavor to keep all of His commandments when He stood in our place and suffered the penalty for our sins. This act is called the Atonement. Because of this selfless act, Christ can plead with the Father on our behalf. Heavenly Father can apply mercy, withhold punishment from us, and welcome us into His presence. Our Heavenly Father shows mercy when He forgives us of our sins and helps us return to dwell in His presence.

However, Jesus did not eliminate our personal responsibility. He forgives our sins when we accept Him, repent, and obey His commandments. Through the Atonement and living the gospel we become worthy to enter the presence of our Heavenly Father permanently. We must show that we accept Christ and that we have faith in Him by keeping His commandments and obeying the first principles and ordinances of the gospel.

When I first glanced at this day I pretty much said "yadda yadda yadda",, Irreverent right? But then I thought about some things that have happened in my life and revised that to "THANK you GOD" for the love you have for me and my family, all the fallacies and human things we do, You have such a great plan, if we will just follow it we can come home. Having felt just a bit of that pure love, it makes me weep, I want it, I want it every day, every moment. Im so grateful for the atonement and what it does for me.

Day 12
In the footsteps of the Savior.
Lesson 42: Howard W Hunter: "In the Footsteps of the Savior," The Presidents of the Church: Teachers manual, 201
Read Matthew 8:23-27
President Hunter taught that if we "fix our eyes on Jesus, we too might... remain 'un-terrified amid the rising winds of doubt'".
(Ensign, Nov. 1992, Pg 19

What things can we do daily to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus Christ?

"We must know Christ better than we know him; we must remember him more often than we remember him; we must serve him more valiantly than we serve him."
(Howard W, Hunter, What manner of men ought ye be, Ensign, May 1994, p.64)