Christmas Mishmash

My 40 day walk didnt go so well. My only thoughts on that are that I walk each day with the hope that the Lord is near. Ive never done well at keeping a journal so from here on out, and because I really am super busy with school, Kids and life I will post as I can. Maybe that will help me post more, strange as it seems if I dont feel pressued to do it I tend to do it more. WEIRD I know but there you are.

Much has happened in life on this journey. School is going well it was finals week and I THINK I did ok. Im worried about my math class but the others Im feeling ok about.

I have started to write letters to Kevin now and then, some are angry some are sappy. I am really surprised at how effective that seems to be. I learned about it while in a therapy session with my son and also through the classes I am taking at FVCC.

I am very interested in a couple areas, EMDR therapy fascinates me. The more I learn the more I want to do this. I am also loving the idea of ART therapy though getting a degree in that is a HUGE undertaking Im not sure I am up for right now. will see. I have this semester then I should be able to start my Bachelors program. Im crossing my fingers. I still want to move from here, too many glum days, back to Hamilton area. I have had people ask me why there and my response is I have friends there and Kevin is buried there. It has gotten me thinking though, really is that the ONLY reason I want to move back to Hamilton? I really CAN move anywhere I want to Both parents are gone, my sister is happy in Oregon, My oldest is married and happy in her life. I have 3 children now and hmm ya know BELIZE or NEW Zealand looks good to.. Maybe when I graduate and have my degree I can do that but for now THIS is where I am. (BIG SIGH)

Have had people asking me about getting remarried, umm NOT. I am enjoying getting to know me again. But they keep on asking so I finally came up with an answer so I am posting it for anyone who cares, OK so IF, I were to do that I have a pretty specific list of demands, not wants but demands. OK so here goes. HE must be tall, say 6'6 ish, lots of black hair, Eye color is not important to me as long as they are honest and beautifully expressive. WEALTH is good. I want to travel a lot and see stuff. Healthy in MIND and BODY, I want to be able to go dancing and walking and hiking for fun and riding bikes and MOTORCYCLES too. (I am working on becoming thinner so these activities will be much more enjoyable) That he cooks is great and it is especially important that he LOVES my kids not in a creepy way either.. THAT is very important to me. I also want him to be understanding of my faults and love me enough to help us work thorough things. Being LDS is paramount as well. OK SO IF YOU KNOW THIS GUY send him my what.. It wouldn't hurt if he thinks bigger women are sexy either!!! at least till I slim down (HERES HOPING FOR THE SLIMMING) You would think I am asking for the impossible right,, well maybe I am.

Like I said, I am enjoying getting to know ME again, it is an interesting process. One of the things I am finding out is that there is actually some wisdom in me, I was surprised to find it. I was happy to find it too. I guess my dad was right, kudos daddy, patience is very important with it you will find out many things... HMM... Im not Buddha for sure but there are things that just strike me sometimes.. SO with the advent of Face book (FB) I have a place to put some of my thoughts out there.. Its kinda fun cause it is quasi anonymous and I really enjoy the comments and feed back. the following is a post I placed on FB, I have one friend on FB who was lds but is now an atheist and he sure works hard to shove his opinions around. I have others who are not LDS, this is good having others input helps to create questions that I then go and study out till I am satisfied. It really helps my testimony of the GOSPEL grow.

The much heated debate about Christmas causes so much strife, it is true that the Romans would commit a planned murder each Dec 25th at the end of the celebration of Saturnis a holiday of lawlessness, and that many awful and horrid crimes against humanity have been perpetrated on Dec 25th. A day chosen to commemorate the birth of an innocent child, one sent to heal the horrors of the past, to bring love and kindness, hope and joy into a world of chaos and pain. Many ask if you know about the real christmas. To them I would say, I do. DO you? Christmas, circa 2011, is NOT about Hate, Prejudice, evil, sadness, or selfishness. Christmas now, in the time WE live is what WE CHOOSE to make it. You can not live in the past, you can learn from it, You can not change the past, and you do not have to repeat it, You can never go back but you can strive to make THIS day and the future better by the actions YOU take, by the choices YOU make. Glancing back at our past is indeed necessary so we can learn how not to do the horrible things again and can continue to improve on the good things done. SO my question is simple DO you know what Christmas is? Please post what Christmas means to you.

I sure hope that 2012 turns out to be a wonderful year for my family. Id like to see, my dads place sell for more than its listed for, my house sell for what I need and school to go well. I would like to see Forest become a happier young man and enjoy starting college. I hope to be a better mother, student and be able to get a much better paying and steady job with benefits that will allow me to grow and learn so that I may get promotions and make more money so I can create the Homeless shelter I want to build. SO That is my thoughts for today, close to the end of the year.... Will try to do better as the year progresses...