Day 14 Self Reliance

Day 14:
Self Reliance
Read the Pamphlet All is safely gathered in.
"organize yourselves; Prepare every needful thing, and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting a house of faith an house of learning, a house of glory a house of order and a house of God."
D&C 109:8
How can Provident Living bring us closer to our Savior? In what ways would you like to live more providently?

I cannot tell you how much this has saved my butt in the past and NOW. We definitely have used our food storage. I have a very strong testimony of this particular "commandment". I really have nothing more to say on the matter. Except DO IT!

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I made this really weird looking pot, Its triangular has prayer like fingers coming out of one side, Buddha popping out of one side that has rifle shell relief on it, the third side has a duck call and a small pistol on it. The spout is part of a duck call. Ill try to post some pictures of my Ceramics with a link so you can go see them if you are interested. It will be in the future but I ll get it done.
Today was exciting in many ways. I got my settlement check from an accident I was in last year. I'm excited. I paid off the work I had done to the truck, Paid my vehicle insurance for another 6 months. gonna pay my house insurance for a year. Paid my Daughters Clarinet rental off. Gonna be able to get some dental work done, that's gonna take a pretty big chunk. I get to go see the eye doctor, wondering about surgery but will probably just get glasses and contacts again. Both of these are going to be huge chunks of the money. I am going to go do the HCG again I was pleased with the results last time I'm hoping for better this time. I am going to be able to go to Vegas for my Birthday. I'm hoping to go see the Blue man group, Maybe Lion king, Go on a Night time Helicopter ride, which scares the bejeebies out of me, Maybe a spa treatment. I don't know but am going with my friend Mickie and am excited to just go have some fun. I am needing to unwind. I'm pretty wound up I guess, I get itchy when I get stressed and I'm itchy its annoying. The kids will get some clothes. Me too. I will have to buy a new pellet stove cause I think mine is dieing.
My house goes on the market soon. I have a few things I need to buy to get it done. Just trim and some rock work, I found some cool rock siding I might use will have to see how much it is compared to other stuff. Once that is done I think the house will sell quickly, the only thing it is missing is a back deck and I think who ever buys it would like to put one on of their design anyway. It will look amazing I'm sure.
At the ceramics lab today I made a few more molds, the instructor, David Smith, (this is pretty funny actually as I know another David Smith who lives in Hamilton) suggested we make a mold for bowls or plates. I want to do that because Id like to have a cool set and the method he is suggesting would make them so easy to create. I'm excited about it. I want to make a bunch of molds so I can make a bunch of sets, I LOVE dishes! I went to Pier one and found some great textures, The dollar store too has fun things to make textures out of. If I had my way I would have plate sets for every holiday and all kinds of fun reasons. Its an addiction I got from my mother so MOM I blame you for this one! He, David Smith, was mentioning that he would like to make services that are designed just for special cooked dishes, desserts or fish or sushi or such. I think that is an amazing Idea and want to do that too. How fun for a dish addict! I have to go in tomorrow to make molds and do some more paying for stuff. I'm going to join the art club and go to the Archie Bray, That is exciting. I'm hoping to find some cool fun patterning and molding things to buy in Nevada. Should find some interesting things there. I'm really wanting a ELK head I need one for Kevin's Headstone. Dave told me he would help me with it. I hope he will remember that. I have the headstone all designed in my head, it has 2 Elk, a buck with a cow snuggled under his neck coming out of the front of the stone, on the left under the buck is Kevon's information on the right mine, There is a carving of Silver Lake in Utah, where he loved to go walking, around the information. It looks cool in the drawing I hope it works in the stone. I think we will have to mold it and pour, something like faux granite counter top stuff, in the mold so it will weather well. OK I'm done for tonight have to go to bed so I can get up in the AM and be the adult, clean the house and run to town to play with clay and go to the art club meeting at noon.

Day 15
The Sacrament "Young Women Value Experiences and Projects."
Young women Personal Progress: Standing As a Witness of God, 11-74

Learn more about the sacrament, Read about the Last Supper in Matthew 26:26-28, Mark 14:22-24, and Luke 22:17-20.

Establish a pattern of pondering during the sacrament by listening carefully to the sacrament hymn and prayers. Thing about why we partake of the bread and water. Record in your journal some of the promises you make as you partake of the sacrament and remember your baptismal covenants.

Becoming Whole Day 13

Day 13
Becoming Whole
Merril J Bateman., "ThePower to Heal from Within." Ensign, May 1995, Pg 14.

The Savior’s atonement in the garden and on the cross is intimate as well as infinite. Infinite in that it spans the eternities. Intimate in that the Savior felt each person’s pains, sufferings, and sicknesses. Consequently, he knows how to carry our sorrows and relieve our burdens that we might be healed from within, made whole persons, and receive everlasting joy in his kingdom. May our faith in the Father and the Son help each of us to become whole.

I read the whole article, I found comfort in some things Id like to quote;

1. " To be meaningful, life must be more than the ephemeral pleasures of youth. There must be a plan. Death, even if accidental, must be part of the plan. Developing faith in and coming to know one’s Maker is at the core of the plan. Having hope with regard to one’s eternal destiny and experiencing joy must also be part of life’s purpose."
A young man who was killed in a tragic accident is mentioned in this article. Something I had thought of often was said, He, the young man, Kevin in my case, lost all he knew when he died, all he was familiar with HERE. We lost him. We still have things that are familiar. The thought that Kevin was alone was so short, the feeling and thought literally slammed into me that NO, he is HOME, he KNOWS us. He has so many loved ones here to help him and show him around that even though he does miss and love you he is OK. The Peace that I felt was not only immediate but washed over me like a warm comforting shower.

2. "Death teaches that we do not experience a fullness of joy in mortality and that everlasting joy can be achieved only with the assistance of the Master."
I believe that Death is an event we live through, (thank you Bruce Ive stolen that quote) We continue on and grow even in the eternities line upon line and precept upon precept. I find that the bits of Joy I am graced with daily are so wonderful that like a really yummy piece of chocolate, Its best in small pieces, I treasure them, Look forward to them and feast upon the sweetness of it letting it melt into my soul where I can remember it and treasure the moments.

3. "Through Christ, broken hearts are mended and peace replaces anxiety and sorrow."

I think that I do have anxiety about the future and of course I have sorrow but as I deal with each day learning that I can do things, I can make decisions and I can continue to live life without him, as I feel the love of the Savior, and yes I still feel Kevin's spirit, that anxiety is lessening.

4. "Whatever the source of pain, Jesus understands and can heal the spirit as well as the body." There are many kinds of pain, loosing a loved one is tremendous but I can imagine that loosing yourself would be awful. Loosing your faith and the belief that God lives and loves us would be devastating. I can not and do not want to imagine that sort of loss. GOD plays such an important role in my life, NOW more than ever. Its strange how LOSS brings him closer to you. Having a broken heart allows him entrance when nothing else will. I have felt SO much outpouring of love since Kevin died, from people here on earth, especially when I was in Arizona, SO many I did not know. Here in Montana when it comes up, and I'm surprised just how often it does, I receive kind words from people. I have found, oddly enough I think, that these moments are teaching moments for me, times when I am easily able to share a gospel message of Eternal companions and the Sealing power of the Temple. It surprises the people I'm speaking with and allows me to reaffirm a belief I not only hold dear but look forward to in the future fulfilling. Its a comfort.

Becoming Whole is a process it won't be something I can do in a night, week or probably a month. It is important to me and I want to grow spiritually and in ways that the Lord can use me as I know he has planned. I'm coming to realize that missing my sweetheart is OK, when I see him again, when the time is right and he comes to get me, our reunion will be so sweet and poignant, amazing. Ive got a lot to learn and do here, He has stuff he is doing there. We will be together again I know it.

Day 14:

Self Reliance
Read the Pamphlet All is safely gathered in.
"organize yourselves; Prepare every needful thing, and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting a house of faith an house of learning, a house of glory a house of order and a house of God."

D&C 109:8
How can Provident Living bring us closer to our Savior? In what ways would you like to live more providently?

40 days walk Day 12 and What I did on my anniversary this year.

I went to the ceramics lab on my anniversary, I make hands for my sculpture, I used Kevins hand mold I had made. I also went to see "True Grit" it was ok, I wasn't overly impressed with it. I headed home to Missionary night. Mariah had made Elk steak and fed them, she thought she might have over salted the meat but they didn't complain. We talked for a while, said good bye to Elder Carlson, he goes home this week to St. Anthony Idaho. They left. We went to bed.

IT has been so cold here lately, we seem to be on a weird cycle. It was warmish but this morning it was in the negatives. Its -8 right now, my pellet stove cant get the house warm enough today.

Went to Church yesterday, it was nice. RS we had sister Frandsen from the Stake come and teach. We also got a yummy treat, Brownies and eclairs, Nuts and a drink. The RS president kept all the kids and men out so we could enjoy it. It was a nice thing they did. Mariah went to Kylas again, after church. Probably wont see her till Tuesday.

While I was at Ceramics lab a friend called. She was concerned about me today. To say I was surprised would be good. I didnt know this particular friend cared that much about me. Don't get me wrong here, she is an amazing woman but has had some pretty tough things going on in her life the past few years culminating in a divorce, remarriage and all that baggage that comes with it. I was flattered that she took time, to not only think about me, but to call me to let me know she cared. I needed that love very much and SHE called. My sister sent me a beautiful Internet card and I got a text from my Brother in law. Ok enough updating.

Lets go for that walk now:

Day 12
In the footsteps of the Savior.
Lesson 42: Howard W Hunter: "In the Footsteps of the Savior," The Presidents of the Church: Teachers manual, 201
Read Matthew 8:23-27
President Hunter taught that if we "fix our eyes on Jesus, we too might... remain 'un-terrified amid the rising winds of doubt'".
(Ensign, Nov. 1992, Pg 19

What things can we do daily to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus Christ?

"We must know Christ better than we know him; we must remember him more often than we remember him; we must serve him more valiantly than we serve him."
(Howard W, Hunter, What manner of men ought ye be, Ensign, May 1994, p.64)

I have friends who are atheist, they try hard to get me to see the error of my ways. Some of them were LDS growing up. They tell me about the science behind everything and they are right. Science is amazing it has so many wonderful things it is teaching us. IT changes, NEW discovery's are being found all the time overturning current belief's.
Does our understanding of Christ change? Mine grows each day with this walk and in many other ways. I am lucky enough to know an amazing man who is involved deeply in many amazing research projects, some his others for the Church. One, not for the Church, that he was recently brought in on, is a new set of Dead Sea Scrolls that is being brought to light, sold, by someone who has had them for years but now wants the world to have them. I'M excited for the information in them and the accompanying "papers" to come to light. IT will Change the way the world views Christianity, At least that is what he has said. It will rock our world and I welcome this.

I have been told that, since I have never actually seen God I can't prove he exists. To this I would say, so a blind man can't see, can he prove there are clouds? I have not had a heavenly meeting with my Father in Heaven or my Brother for that matter but I have SEEN my husband since he has died. Have SEEN how beautiful he is, heard his voice, felt his love.
There are many things I just KNOW but don't have proof they are and for ME that is fine. Physical Proof is not what Religion is all about anyway. It is about Faith, Hope and LOVE. I Love the Lord, I don't always do everything I should, but I try to do good each day. I believe that our hearts, our character, is the only thing we get to take with us when we leave this earthly realm and it is THAT character, that determines our place in heaven. If we are happy just getting there then that will be enough for us, If we strive to do more to be more to achieve a God like love, we will be rewarded in ways we can not even imagine. The Bible has had many translations, Wonderful things have been lost, Books have been removed and stories that can not be found added, Constantine wanted peace and knew that he could only obtain that by getting all the various religious belief systems of his time to come together and create a single belief. He did that with the Nicene creed. It did bring peace for a time. It also wrought great change and a loss of many amazing and wonderful teachings. Things that are being found today by science, archeology, and a myriad of other ways including Prophetic Revelation. The bible states that God is the same yesterday, today and forever. If that is true, why? Oh ,why would he get rid of Prophets? Revelation? NO THAT is a precept of man. I know the Savior lives and is there for us if we but ask for help. It may not be HOW or WHEN we want it. WE need to look within ourselves and ask, AM I doing ALL I can, not all I want to, but ALL I CAN to get answers. When the answer comes we need to realize it IS the answer. That can be a difficult thing to accept. Sometimes the answer is no, or YOU CAN do this without divine intervention. GOD loves us and wants us home, just as we love our children. Sometimes they need to learn on their own without us interfering. Some lessons are just not learned any other way.
The LDS CHURCH is a way of life, hard for many. It has traditions that seem odd at times, they are not of God but man, The GOSPEL is true, the Church is not the Gospel. I think sometimes we forget that because of all the amazing things the LDS Church does. WE need to be able to let go of the foolishness that MAN brings and hold fast to the Iron Rod of the Gospel or we can be thrown here and there tossed into the fray of man and loose our way. Saying that I do believe that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saint has the most true church on the earth today. The GOSPEL is true. We need to but live by the laws God and his son have place for us and we can return to him again.

Day 13
Becoming Whole
Merril J Bateman., "ThePower to Heal from Within." Ensign, May 1995, Pg 14.

The Savior’s atonement in the garden and on the cross is intimate as well as infinite. Infinite in that it spans the eternities. Intimate in that the Savior felt each person’s pains, sufferings, and sicknesses. Consequently, he knows how to carry our sorrows and relieve our burdens that we might be healed from within, made whole persons, and receive everlasting joy in his kingdom. May our faith in the Father and the Son help each of us to become whole.

24 Years today

Today my post is an photo display of my husband and myself, our wedding and a few other pictures. I miss him and love him more than I can express. I'm not crying everyday or being depressed I just miss his smell, his touch, his presence in my life, Today especially. I am giving myself permission to cry all day if I want to, Movies are on the agenda, I don't know what else but will post later.

I decided to start out with one of my favorite pictures of him, It was shot when our announcement photos were being taken and I think its just about CUTE!
Then Im going to start at the end, taking you back to the beginning.

It really does suck, It sucks out the life from your very soul. Not just your loved ones but anyone around who loved them is affected.

Below: Kevin had a goal to go to Mariahs High School Graduation in Montana, He made it.

It was a difficult trip but he loves her and it was important to him. His Best friend Eric is the Grey you see in the lower Right Hand Corner of the Picture. He and his wife drove from Billings to Lakeside and Eric owns a casket company, he gave us Kevins casket when he died. The blanket, My sister and her daughter and Grand children made for Kevin. I still have it. It is a fight to get it as EVERY one of the kids wants DADS blanket to cuddle in.

Above:^ This is when he was in the Huntsman Cancer hospital.


He loved to Hike his canyon, this is the last hike he went on It was a beautiful day. As I think back on it he said "This just might be my last walk in the forest, Lets go together". It is close to where he proposed to me.


The 24th of July in Utah, 2009. We figure he probably had cancer at this time but we did not know.

Christmas 2009. Gotta love his Elmer Fudd hat. He sure did!








Silver Lake Utah, Kevin loved to walk around up there when he was visiting or working in Utah.



Our Four beautiful Children, enjoying time with DAD! Back to Front is Dawson Piled on Mariah Piled on Daddy, hes the one with the beard, Aurora piled on Daddy and Forest in Dads hat in the front. I think they are watching T.V but am not sure. Jethro is the dog. Kevin LOVEs him so much and now he is playing with him all the time.










Kevin and I went through 8 Pregnancies, 4 beautiful children here on earth, 5 in Heaven, One at about 7 1/2 months (turners Syndrome) One at around 5 months ( no skull had developed, every thing else was there) 2 of them so early I had barely found out. And one was with Aurora but didnt grow after 4 months. So Kevin is up in heaven with what I believe is 5 children, My belief is that they are helping him, and welcomed him home, Im guessing hes pretty busy.


Our Honeymoon was spent in Idaho and Florida. He surprised me with a week long Disney world trip! We had SO much fun. We were sealed in the Salt Lake Temple 24 Years ago on January 28th 1987. I was late, because half way there I realized I had forgotten my Temple recommend, I gave him a little scare he was on time, and never let me forget it....

I will end with a photo that depicts our love, US the way it will be again when God says "Marne' its time to come home," and I WILL see Kevin again, I know he is well, he is amazing, I have seen it and I know he is working hard to build a place for us, after all he too was a carpenter.
I love you Fig.

Day 11 and what happens when you dont listen to the adults.

Had a long day at school yesterday. When I called my daughter to come get me, she told me there had been a little incident at her friends house with her friends, sister in laws dog. Knowing that this dog is a pit bull I instantly became concerned and asked "who got bit?" She informed me that my 8 year old had but, out of love for her friends family informed me that "he sort of had it coming though." She had told him not to annoy the dog. I was still concerned. "Where did he get bit", I asked. "Oh on the lip", I was told. "Just come and get me", I told her.

She pulled up to the front of the art building and I got in the truck, I took one look at his lip, and decided we needed to head to the Dr. well, being as it was about 6PM, we ended up in the ER. I couldn't clean it in the truck, and no I didnt think to take him in the art building and try. It was still bleeding after about 45 minutes and I was slightly concerned about it because it was the size of a fat crayon. I couldnt tell and didnt have sterile supplies to check and see if it was a tear, split or piercing. I could see it wasnt through the lip into the mouth, but couldnt tell if it was through the outside of the lip. It turned out to be just a split and a bit of his lip was peeled off, the Dr. told him to keep licking it and sent us on our way. No anti biotics or anything. WHEW...

BUT the rest of the story goes like this, my son had walked by the dog a couple times, his sister and others had warned him away he hadn't touched her. The dog was walking by, I think, my 8 year old put out his hand to pet her on her behind and she bit him. He ended up with a harrowing story to tell, a cool model airplane from "grand pa mike" and got his older sisters undivided attention for a while.

The young lady who's dog it was, well she was very apologetic and sad because she realized that having children, (her and her husband do not have any yet, ) was not going to be possible if they kept the dog. Which is really sad because the dog is loved very much and up until this incident was an amazing pet. I'm hoping the police don't choose to destroy her. She had come from a home where she was mistreated but this couple have been so good to her and been training her with love and wrestling with her to hopefully curb her instinct to bite. Shes good with adults but not kids apparently.

It's really too bad, but I am SO glad I have Medicaid for my son. Thus the reason for not posting last night I was wiped out by the time we got home.

I went in today, to my schools ceramics lab to work. I just love ceramics, it is a cathartic experience for me. I can beat the snot out of some clay then make a cool thing out of it. A friend posted a cool and fun "to do" on Face book, if you click Like then the first 5 people will get a HAND made Item from the person posting within the year. I did that 2X, for a couple reasons: 1, It sounded fun. and 2, I make so much stuff in my Ceramics class I just cant keep it. I usually just toss stuff out, this way it can go to someone else and if they don't like it they toss it. I feel better cause I got to make it and give it away.

I worked on a oil bottle yesterday. Today I worked on a pot that ended up with 3 faces on it, A cup with a rooster, eggs and horses on it and a cup with a mustang on it. I have to have 6 done by Thursday of Next week. I'm also working on a sculpture for the LDS Churches, International art contest this year, it is due in April, well a photo is, If I make the first cut, It will go to SLC and be in a show. If it wins there it could be 500$ that I would use to offset the trip to SLC to deliver and set it up and the Church will have it on display for a while. I think that would be cool. SO I just decided to jump out of my comfort zone and go for it. OK now lets go Walk with God.

Day 11 ties into day 10 in some ways.

Through Christ we can be cleansed of sin.

Preach my Gospel Pages 60-61

( GO to Page 74 on the Toolbar when you get to the link.)

Otherwise I have posted most of it below.

God sent His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, into the world so that all of God’s children would have the possibility of returning to live in His presence after they die. Only through the Savior’s grace and mercy can we become clean from sin so that we can live in our Heavenly Father’s presence. Becoming clean from sin is being healed spiritually (3 Nephi 9:13, 18:32).

I know this, I studied on it a bit and as I understand it Grace is the gift it cant be taken away, Mercy is what Jesus does for us when we accept him and become baptized in his name though they work together they are separate. We must be cleansed of sin, what ever that may be to live with God. Nothing unclean can dwell with him.

Because of Christ’s Atonement and Resurrection, all people will be brought back into the presence of the Lord to be judged according to their works and their desires (2 Nephi 9:10-16, Helaman 14:15-18 3 Nephi 27:14-22 D&C 137:9 ).

This after they are judged, Christs MERCY is in effect then. That old saying only "God knows" and "its what is in your heart" is applicable. I have however wondered if just thinking a good thing is the same as actually doing it. Well duh doing it is much better if you have the ability to do so. That part of the whole thing still puzzles me I guess. Hmm...

We will be judged according to the laws of justice and mercy. Justice is the unchanging law that brings consequences for actions—blessings for obedience to God’s commandments and penalties for disobedience. We all commit sin. Sin makes us unclean, and no unclean thing can live in God’s presence (1 Nephi 10:21 3 Nephi 27:19 Moses 6:57 ).
Mercy cannot rob justice, and if there is no law there is no God. That's pretty clear.

The Savior satisfied the demands of justice for those who repent of their sins and

endeavor to keep all of His commandments when He stood in our place and suffered the penalty for our sins. This act is called the Atonement. Because of this selfless act, Christ can plead with the Father on our behalf. Heavenly Father can apply mercy, withhold punishment from us, and welcome us into His presence. Our Heavenly Father shows mercy when He forgives us of our sins and helps us return to dwell in His presence.

However, Jesus did not eliminate our personal responsibility. He forgives our sins when we accept Him, repent, and obey His commandments. Through the Atonement and living the gospel we become worthy to enter the presence of our Heavenly Father permanently. We must show that we accept Christ and that we have faith in Him by keeping His commandments and obeying the first principles and ordinances of the gospel.

When I first glanced at this day I pretty much said "yadda yadda yadda",, Irreverent right? But then I thought about some things that have happened in my life and revised that to "THANK you GOD" for the love you have for me and my family, all the fallacies and human things we do, You have such a great plan, if we will just follow it we can come home. Having felt just a bit of that pure love, it makes me weep, I want it, I want it every day, every moment. Im so grateful for the atonement and what it does for me.

Day 12
In the footsteps of the Savior.
Lesson 42: Howard W Hunter: "In the Footsteps of the Savior," The Presidents of the Church: Teachers manual, 201
Read Matthew 8:23-27
President Hunter taught that if we "fix our eyes on Jesus, we too might... remain 'un-terrified amid the rising winds of doubt'".
(Ensign, Nov. 1992, Pg 19

What things can we do daily to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus Christ?

"We must know Christ better than we know him; we must remember him more often than we remember him; we must serve him more valiantly than we serve him."
(Howard W, Hunter, What manner of men ought ye be, Ensign, May 1994, p.64)

Day 10 of my 40 day walk with God.

I started school on the 18th and got a little bogged down. I just couldn't find the time to blog. My Relief Society president had called me and asked me to do a lesson about, "What do you do with his name" It was a good lesson I think, at least a few sisters told me it was good.

School is going to be interesting this semester. I'm working on my Bachelors of Social Work. I am hoping to become a counselor, Family and teen. I enjoy this field and am excited about my schedule. I have Introduction to Interpersonal relations, Intro to Sociology and intro to Theater, Intro to algebra and Ceramics II. I found it funny that even though I already have an associates in arts and science there were a few holes I need to fill. Fun classes each, well except for the math, which I have minor panic attacks with, but I plan to persevere and learn all I can. I have to get to statistics to get my BSW so its a must do.

Day 10 is the Courage to ask forgiveness.

There is no actual "assignment" for this.
I have been thinking about it however. I have some guilt about Kevin's death. Im not sure if its survivors remorse or not but it has to do with a few things.

1. Kevin said quite a few times that I would do better if he wasn't around, He was not wanting a divorce or anything like that it was just a "awful and horrible" observation of his. I would get so upset at him for saying such an awful thing. Hes my other half. I was completed by him. Was it because I would be better off without him he was taken? Oh GOD please no...

2. I will always wonder what if... its a horrible thing really, but what if I had pushed him to go to the doctor that couple years prior, when he had the weird thing on his ear. He did go to the Dr in AZ, she told him, go to a dermatologist. He chose not to go and the "thing" fell off. I'm supposing "it" was the original cancer. Ive had some time this past while to really think on it and I never pushed him to go. When he showed me the weird bump below his xyphoid I told him to go he said why its nothing, though he did go to the for a physical but never mentioned that to her.

3. Was there more that we could have done if we had better or more insurance. I just don't know about this one but its a hard thought to have rolling over and over in my mind.
I do feel I did all we could do. Kevin had blessings that he would heal based on his faith and those around him. I feel that maybe because I didn't have enough faith he didn't have a miraculous recovery.

4. I have know since I was 16 that there is a special "thing" God has for me to do. I have fought it for years been rebellious and afraid of this "thing". I really do not want to do it. I have wondered if it is because of this "calling/thing" that Kevin was taken home. It drives me crazy.

I feel a large amount of guilt about a myriad of things. Did I do everything possible, did I treat him well, take care of him right, love him enough.??????? It is something that I work hard every day to just. not think about because it does eat at me. I have had blessings which have told me he is OK and all is well with him but I, in my flawed human way still feel the guilt.

Pondering this I have been asking myself if I have the right to ask for forgiveness? I shy away from being the squeaky wheel, when there are SO many of Gods children that need his love and support in so many more "important" ways. I say this knowing it sounds very stupid and is a cop out but is how it is. Like Kevin used to say "It may not be right, but its true". I Miss my sweet heart so much at times, its painful to my soul, other times I feel so much love its indescribable. I know he is in a beautiful and perfect state. I have seen this.
Day Ten, Courage to ask forgiveness. I think I'm ready to do this. It will be a difficult conversation with God but I pray he will ease my heart, mind, soul and body.

Day 11 ties into day 10 in some ways.

Through Christ we can be cleansed of sin.

Preach my Gospel Pages 60-61

( GO to Page 74 on the Toolbar when you get to the link.)

Otherwise I have posted most of it below.

God sent His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, into the world so that all of God’s children would have the possibility of returning to live in His presence after they die. Only through the Savior’s grace and mercy can we become clean from sin so that we can live in our Heavenly Father’s presence. Becoming clean from sin is being healed spiritually (3 Nephi 9:13, 18:32).
Because of Christ’s Atonement and Resurrection, all people will be brought back into the presence of the Lord to be judged according to their works and their desires (2 Nephi 9:10-16, Helaman 14:15-18 3 Nephi 27:14-22 D&C 137:9 ).
We will be judged according to the laws of justice and mercy. Justice is the unchanging law that brings consequences for actions—blessings for obedience to God’s commandments and penalties for disobedience. We all commit sin. Sin makes us unclean, and no unclean thing can live in God’s presence (1 Nephi 10:21 3 Nephi 27:19 Moses 6:57 ).

The Savior satisfied the demands of justice for those who repent of their sins and

endeavor to keep all of His commandments when He stood in our place and suffered the penalty for our sins. This act is called the Atonement. Because of this selfless act, Christ can plead with the Father on our behalf. Heavenly Father can apply mercy, withhold punishment from us, and welcome us into His presence. Our Heavenly Father shows mercy when He forgives us of our sins and helps us return to dwell in His presence.

However, Jesus did not eliminate our personal responsibility. He forgives our sins when we accept Him, repent, and obey His commandments. Through the Atonement and living the gospel we become worthy to enter the presence of our Heavenly Father permanently. We must show that we accept Christ and that we have faith in Him by keeping His commandments and obeying the first principles and ordinances of the gospel.

Day 9 of my 40 day walk with God.

The Atonement.

I addressed this already in a prior post. I am sending you there to read my thoughts. Just click the picture below.
Day 10
Courage to ask forgiveness.
Anne C. Pingree, "To Look, Reach, and Come unto Christ," Ensign, Nov. 2006, 114-115

I remember a time when, without any intent to do so, I offended a sister in my ward. I needed to reconcile this issue, but I must admit that my pride kept me from going to her and asking for her forgiveness. Family, other commitments, on and on—I found ways to postpone my repentance. I was sure things would work out on their own. But they didn’t.

In the stillness of not one night but several, I awoke with a clear realization that I was not taking the course the Lord would want me to take. I was not acting on my faith that His arm of mercy was truly extended towards me—if I would act aright. I prayed for strength and courage, humbled myself, and went to the sister’s home and asked for her forgiveness. For us both, it proved to be a sweet, healing experience.

There is no questions to answer or thing to do except read this. Guess Ill know what to do when it comes tomorrow.