Just another day in paradise

Well everyone seems to get their 10 seconds of fame now and then, guess this qualifies as mine.. MY name is in the paper... HEE HEE,, So funny. Not even my home town paper. . . but hey its there for posterity right? Its for that wreath I entered last minute in the fair this year.

Well things have been going good. Went to Utah and had some fun there. Dads place is under contract, X fingers hoping it all goes through fine, so we went and got out the stuff we needed, well ok wanted.. A bedroom set, some tools a snow blower and welding stuff Forest will be able to use. Not a huge amount of things but meaningful to me. What Mike Shaffer did to dads house is just amazing beautiful craftsmanship and the tile work is fantastic.

We went to Lagoon while we were there got a family picture, its weird not having Kevin in it and Mariah is with Jacob now so that's difficult but this is my family.. 

We took one last year with all of us but Kevin. I still haven't seen it Mariah has it, the stinker... 


We all had fun as you will be able to see as soon as I get the picts back. I will post them. These are from our fun family photo shoot at Pioneer village in Lagoon..

The kids were against it initially but really did get into the swing of things toward the end. . . 


I really do feel like its them against me sometimes, and no they don't hold a gun to my face but they do gang up on me the little rotters..


WARNING:BAD ATTITUDE BELOW:WARNING

I find myself not wanting to DO anything right now, pretty apathetic about life. I get up do the on line school work but that's about all I'm interested in.
I need to get less blah and actually DO laundry, clean the house, cook meals. I know its partly depression and partly frustration, hey that sounds like a song in there some how.. But I do have some plans. I want to get my Shower in my room, I have it all planned out just need that darned money to do it. Its gonna be purdy when its done. 

I have a guy coming to clean up and redo my back yard area, its a mess. Thanks septic installer guy, he was supposed to back fill it and grade it make it look good then seed but he left huge piles of crap and didn't do squat. Kevin was going to fix it but that's not happening now.

I also want to get my deck on so I can enjoy it, even in the winter, I like to grill and haven't for a long time cause well I don't have a grill right now or a deck, but I am looking forward to it when its done too. Have lots of gonnas when the money is there.

WARNING ITS A WORSER BAD ATTITUDE BELOW WARNING

I am sick of just hanging out around the house, YES there is a lot I could do but I'm on strike and don't wanna.. WAAA WAAA I know, ya big crybaby, just do it.

I need some motivation I guess. My get up and go laid down and DIED. It will get better I know it I just need to keep pluggin along.

I think my biggest problem is I HATE this house, Ok maybe that is too strong a word but it is not a house I ever wanted to live in. It is a beautiful home just not what I want so . ,  ME being who I am thinks about what I do want.
Still, I'm grateful for what I have, don't get me wrong, there are just some not so great memories in this house and I want to start over.

LOVE the probate process, it should not take this long but I just am not made of money so it is, THAT is depressing too. WOW this is really turning into a crybaby post but too bad, its how I feel this lovely Labor day.

Well rather than depress the heck out of those few of you who follow this, I'm going to go and DO something maybe I will actually cook breakfast today. Gonna find something fun to go walk to and do today.

Sigh, I remember….

I remember this day with you my love,                        

Our hike up the canyons, the stream we crossed

Your steady steps across the log, my wobbles.

I remember your hand there to steady me

Catch me close, your strength, your love

I remember the climb up the trail,

Your journey to the top of the mountain.

I stayed below to watch, marvel and encourage.                                                     

I saw the yearning as you looked to the Heavens                           Both of us searching for a miracle.                                                                                                  I remember
Sitting at your bedside holding your hand
Lending you my strength, my arms, my mind           Watching you at the end of your journey

Loving you, 
       encouraging you.                                
            Praying you didn't have to leave

Your Journey here ended
with me staying behind, 
                                   To care for our children, 
                                                            prepare, 
                                                             so in time

                    
 I can cross from this world, wobbly

Your hand there to catch me close

        Your strength, your love . . .  YOU

STILL Love and                                          Miss you Kevin, 

                                         Ne’ 4-25-2012

School is just around the corner, I start before the kids! I am so excited to be on the down hill side of my Bachelors degree.
Have a lot going on, may have sold my dads place! YEAH! I have to go down this week to get whats left there so I can be done in Utah. That will be a load off for sure. I will be able to get my house here in MT finshed finally, then I can sell it next year. I am still going through probate, its not a long process but you do have to have money to do it, that is in short supply.

I am trying to decide if I can do my homeless huts, I have an idea that I dont seem to be able to get rid of so Im thinking that God wants me to do this. I want a nice sized piece of land about 10-20 acres so I can do this. I found these adorable dome homes that are amazingly insulated and would be perfect for family's.

I have found that most homeless shelters dont allow for families, most allow for women and children or just men. I dont see how that helps families get back on their feet. I see it pulling family's apart when they need to have each others love and support.

I am looking at applying for grants for this soon, just want to know HOW to write a grant. DO have a workshop coming up that should help with that. Here is hoping.

I want to have 5 to start out, they are not huge but a family could easily live in one of the "hobbit houses" Id eventually like to have 10 of them.   http://curvedbydesign.ca/    I am also wanting tent spaces and possibly some RV spaces as well, kind of thinking a communal type thing where everyone helps out and helps each other, Community meetings etc to help each other. IF we can do that, like it was prior to this selfish me me me era I think we will be able to achieve something great! I am sure there will be a learning curve but I look forward to it. If I can get it going!

Want to go to Glacier NP soon, its such a beautiful place need to take the camera and get some shots and the kids need to go DO something besides play video games..

Just a last thought about probate, it is a mess to go through this, wills are important no matter how old you are, just having 2 peoples signatures versify most wills and you can get them on line for free in may cases, IT IS SO WORTH IT. 

I am selling 2 burial plots on Craigs List, with my half of the money Im getting my funeral all paid for. When my parents did that and gave me it as a present for my 17th birthday, I thought it icky but do appreciate it so much. I do not want to leave my kids with that expense or stress. Kevin's Funeral was a bit over 4 grand and we got a casket for free and his boss paid to have him sent to Montana from AZ, add those expenses and its more than 6K.. NOT good.  It may seem a bit morbid but we are all gonna do it so why not plan what we want and NOT burden our children?

This N That

WOW time flies when life comes at you fast..

Well I graduated from the community college and have been enrolled in the University of Montana, Im working towards that Social Work degree.

Been an interesting ride so far and am actually looking forward to what new things are to come.

Mariah has been married a little over a year now and is a very happy wife.

Aurora turned 12 and entered the young womens program just in time to go to Girls camp for the first time, she had fun.

Forest went on a 5 day Boy Scout camp and seems to have had fun. He enjoyed the patches he worked on and the talks and getting to know his leaders better, He turned 17 today!

We went to the fair, saw the animals and the little ones went crazy on the rides, Aurora threw up on one! So it was a good thing! hee hee,. I must do a little bragging here. On a whim I entered a Ceramic wreath I had made while in my pottery class at FVCC it took best of show and first place. I also won a second place ribbon for a gluten free angel food cake!  Pretty good I think.

Yesterday we lost an important member of our family, Well not really but Dawsons favorite pants got murderated so we had to have a funeral for them, no really we did. We cremated his pants. It was rather moving and yes a little funny but he was really sad. The kids and I also got the opportunity to do a little work, I went with them and we put up some cedar fencing slats. They worked pretty hard and I felt they needed that experience.

The last part of this posting is, I'm ticked at whoever decided to steal my axles! yes TWO axles were stolen I needed those! I was going to put them on my trailer tomorrow and now because someone was a dishonest jerk I am not able to.. Stupid end for a good day at the fair!!

Christmas Mishmash

My 40 day walk didnt go so well. My only thoughts on that are that I walk each day with the hope that the Lord is near. Ive never done well at keeping a journal so from here on out, and because I really am super busy with school, Kids and life I will post as I can. Maybe that will help me post more, strange as it seems if I dont feel pressued to do it I tend to do it more. WEIRD I know but there you are.

Much has happened in life on this journey. School is going well it was finals week and I THINK I did ok. Im worried about my math class but the others Im feeling ok about.

I have started to write letters to Kevin now and then, some are angry some are sappy. I am really surprised at how effective that seems to be. I learned about it while in a therapy session with my son and also through the classes I am taking at FVCC.

I am very interested in a couple areas, EMDR therapy fascinates me. The more I learn the more I want to do this. I am also loving the idea of ART therapy though getting a degree in that is a HUGE undertaking Im not sure I am up for right now. will see. I have this semester then I should be able to start my Bachelors program. Im crossing my fingers. I still want to move from here, too many glum days, back to Hamilton area. I have had people ask me why there and my response is I have friends there and Kevin is buried there. It has gotten me thinking though, really is that the ONLY reason I want to move back to Hamilton? I really CAN move anywhere I want to Both parents are gone, my sister is happy in Oregon, My oldest is married and happy in her life. I have 3 children now and hmm ya know BELIZE or NEW Zealand looks good to.. Maybe when I graduate and have my degree I can do that but for now THIS is where I am. (BIG SIGH)

Have had people asking me about getting remarried, umm NOT. I am enjoying getting to know me again. But they keep on asking so I finally came up with an answer so I am posting it for anyone who cares, OK so IF, I were to do that I have a pretty specific list of demands, not wants but demands. OK so here goes. HE must be tall, say 6'6 ish, lots of black hair, Eye color is not important to me as long as they are honest and beautifully expressive. WEALTH is good. I want to travel a lot and see stuff. Healthy in MIND and BODY, I want to be able to go dancing and walking and hiking for fun and riding bikes and MOTORCYCLES too. (I am working on becoming thinner so these activities will be much more enjoyable) That he cooks is great and it is especially important that he LOVES my kids not in a creepy way either.. THAT is very important to me. I also want him to be understanding of my faults and love me enough to help us work thorough things. Being LDS is paramount as well. OK SO IF YOU KNOW THIS GUY send him my what.. It wouldn't hurt if he thinks bigger women are sexy either!!! at least till I slim down (HERES HOPING FOR THE SLIMMING) You would think I am asking for the impossible right,, well maybe I am.

Like I said, I am enjoying getting to know ME again, it is an interesting process. One of the things I am finding out is that there is actually some wisdom in me, I was surprised to find it. I was happy to find it too. I guess my dad was right, kudos daddy, patience is very important with it you will find out many things... HMM... Im not Buddha for sure but there are things that just strike me sometimes.. SO with the advent of Face book (FB) I have a place to put some of my thoughts out there.. Its kinda fun cause it is quasi anonymous and I really enjoy the comments and feed back. the following is a post I placed on FB, I have one friend on FB who was lds but is now an atheist and he sure works hard to shove his opinions around. I have others who are not LDS, this is good having others input helps to create questions that I then go and study out till I am satisfied. It really helps my testimony of the GOSPEL grow.

The much heated debate about Christmas causes so much strife, it is true that the Romans would commit a planned murder each Dec 25th at the end of the celebration of Saturnis a holiday of lawlessness, and that many awful and horrid crimes against humanity have been perpetrated on Dec 25th. A day chosen to commemorate the birth of an innocent child, one sent to heal the horrors of the past, to bring love and kindness, hope and joy into a world of chaos and pain. Many ask if you know about the real christmas. To them I would say, I do. DO you? Christmas, circa 2011, is NOT about Hate, Prejudice, evil, sadness, or selfishness. Christmas now, in the time WE live is what WE CHOOSE to make it. You can not live in the past, you can learn from it, You can not change the past, and you do not have to repeat it, You can never go back but you can strive to make THIS day and the future better by the actions YOU take, by the choices YOU make. Glancing back at our past is indeed necessary so we can learn how not to do the horrible things again and can continue to improve on the good things done. SO my question is simple DO you know what Christmas is? Please post what Christmas means to you.

I sure hope that 2012 turns out to be a wonderful year for my family. Id like to see, my dads place sell for more than its listed for, my house sell for what I need and school to go well. I would like to see Forest become a happier young man and enjoy starting college. I hope to be a better mother, student and be able to get a much better paying and steady job with benefits that will allow me to grow and learn so that I may get promotions and make more money so I can create the Homeless shelter I want to build. SO That is my thoughts for today, close to the end of the year.... Will try to do better as the year progresses...

Long road

Been so busy, haven't had lots of time to blog but now things have calmed down and I'm gonna do what I can to catch yall up.

My daughter became engaged in February just after my trip to Vegas,which was so much fun, I saw the Blue man group, Cirque de Solie's O, and the body exhibit all of which were amazing and I enjoyed having my friend go with me.

My youngest daughter was in a play.

School has been going along ok, and the plans for the wedding that was supposed to be in July were progressing just fine until,,, I got the notice that the date had been moved to APRIL 21st, I was not prepared for that. Not that I didn't think they were right for each other just that the time frame for having all the fun stuff was shut down. No showers, no fun mom and daughter time doing things for the wedding it was all just slammed down to NOPE we are doing this NOW.

SO, Ok I either be a complainer and make the process a pain or I be the loving mom and support the decision. I chose to be supportive. They decided to have the wedding sooner for what ever reason, that's ok. The Temple was amazing and the sealing was truly beautiful, they are still going to have the reception in July, on the 2nd when its near that holiday, so people can come up for it. I guess they put a bit of thought into that and its a good thing, different from what is the norm now, but it will be ok and work out just fine.

Been called to teach in Relief society, its interesting and I enjoy it. Im stressing school a little but thats pretty normal. I do have good days and bad days where I am fine with Kevins loss but other days and moments in days, I have a quick cry because my friend and love is gone and all the things we should be doing together I must do alone now. Is it bad, I guess in many ways it is but in others its not, hes here with me, I just don't get to discuss things with him like before in the WAY I have before, I do still talk to him. I miss that, I didnt want to discuss things with him all the time when he was alive but not having that option is something I miss.

I found out I only have about 5 classes left and I will have my 2nd associates degree, in SW and I will be able to transfer to Missoula to complete the program there. I'm hoping to have it done so I can get a job in time to make up the difference when Kevin's SSI runs out on Forest in 3 years. God has really blessed me and my family with so much.

Being as today is Easter I have such hopes and a testimony of the resurrection, I will see my sweet heart again, be able to hug, hold and enjoy him when that time comes. It is a comfort and a strength for me each day. I still have so much to work on and so many things I should be doing right but continue to mess up on. Im grateful that God and Jesus Christ has given me the opportunities I am receiving to do the things I need to to return to them all.

I had the opportunity to go to Helena to the Archie Bray, the ceramic mecca of the USA, it was fun and interesting. My instructor encouraged me to try to get involved in the summer program there, I wish I could but with the kids and all I dont know how I could ever do that, I am happy doing the Ceramics I am doing, I hope to get some machines to make things and maybe sell a few things at the Farmers Market in Hamilton when I get moved there, on Gods time when he sees that things are right, I still need to get stuff done on the house and get it sold. Yeah!

Day 15
The Sacrament "Young Women Value Experiences and Projects."
Young women Personal Progress: Standing As a Witness of God, 11-74

Learn more about the sacrament, Read about the Last Supper in Matthew 26:26-28, Mark 14:22-24, and Luke 22:17-20.

Establish a pattern of pondering during the sacrament by listening carefully to the sacrament hymn and prayers. Thing about why we partake of the bread and water. Record in your journal some of the promises you make as you partake of the sacrament and remember your baptismal covenants.

Got to say this is pretty hard with kids. I do try but inevitably Dawson has to stand up and play with something even when he has nothing to play with, Aurora shushes him Forest tries to forcibly make his sit and or stop so I have to referee. Its tough to have the spirit. However, now and then I get to have a wonderfully spiritual experience while taking the sacrament, It hasn't been often I will admit, but when It happens its is a truly amazing feeling of love warmth and acceptance. I'm trying to get the kids to sit quietly through the Sacrament. I'm trying to figure out what I did differently with Forest, Aurora and Dawson that they wont sit quietly my only thought is we decided that taking Mariah out in to the hall and beating her but was not Christ like in any way shape or form but SHE has usually been good about sitting still for the sacrament at the very least usually the entire meeting. I so failed at that with my other 3 kids. I would recommend teaching them as soon as possible to sit still for half an hour at that time sure makes the experience much more spiritual. I guess it is going to take a bit of time to get this particular day of the walk down.

I went to town today and went to my Art club meeting I found out that....

Day 16
Repentance
"Young Women Value Experiences and Projects,"
Young Women Personal Progress: Standing as Witnesses of God, 11-74
(Scroll to #4 It has the scriptures below linked.)

Read about repentance in Isaiah 1:18, Alma 26: 22, 34: 30-35, Moroni 8:25-26 and D&C 19:15-20, 58: 42-43.

Study the Process of repentance, Pray for guidance to apply the principles of repentance to your life today.
Record your thoughts in your journal and share them in a Family Home Evening.